We are all different, but if there is one thing that I have learned since working at the clinic, it is that some things are generalized to almost all human beings. With a little scratching, the reasons for the suffering usually coincide in a high percentage.
This is why it occurred to me to summarize here what are the main causes of suffering that I observe in therapy, which make us feel bad longer than we have had and with more intensity. .
How to avoid unnecessary discomfort
By now almost everyone knows that this journey is not a path of roses, but with a few guidelines, perhaps, we can have a fair and necessary bad time, no more.
Here is a list of psychological self-management behaviors that will facilitate proper or less painful management of what they call life:
1. Learn to forgive
Forgiveness is not always for the other person. I believe it’s more for ourselves. If we forgive, let go, let go, let go of emotions such as hatred, resentment, frustration … there is no need to be forced to resume the relationship with the person in question. It’s more of an inner peace process.
2. ask: what is it for me?
Whenever we see ourselves thinking about something that is hurting us, we may ask ourselves: what is it for me? If the answer focuses on being worse, you won’t find a solution anymore, it would be nice to change that thought for one that helps us be more productive or cause us to be able to fix the problem in some way.
3. Things are as they are, not as I want them to be
Important point by which we sometimes insist on changing things that are not in our hands. As much as I want, there are things that are as they are, not as much as I would like them to be. I should learn to separate what I can change from what I can’t. Act with the first and accept the second.
4. Don’t dramatize
Here, I would enter by relativizing. Give things the right importance, be objective and don’t drown in a glass of water. Stop thinking if what happens is as important as what we give it.
5. Accept that everything has no explanation
Give a thousand turns to something we’ll never understand, well because the answer is in another person who doesn’t want to give it to us, either because it’s not in our hands, or because it happenedí (for example, death in an accident). Accept that we are not going to understand everything. And learn to live with it.
6. Do not anticipate a catastrophic outcome
Most of the time, we suffer from things that ultimately fail. But our head has already invented a very tragic endingSometimes the worst possible, and we experienced it as if it was real, forgetting that all this suffering, even if it is imaginary, hurts us. And sometimes a lot. We should learn to take care of ourselves when it happens, if it happens, and stop worrying so much.
7. Let go of the ballast: let go of whatever you want to leave
Throw away what no longer works. Make it empty. From time to time it is fundamental to take a look at what we have around and realize what’s left. Only then will we be able to remove the stones from the backpack that we carry on our shores, and the less weight we have, the more free we will be to walk. Practice disinterest in things, situations, and people.
8. Do you accept
Carl Rogers said that only when I accept myself can I change. To be able to achieve this point, you need an exercise in introspection, that is to say knowing yourself, how you think, how you feel, how you act. Only by knowing who I am and accepting it can I change what I don’t want in my life.
9. Don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you
Often the source of pain is being stubborn in being around someone who doesn’t love you. here, accept that others have other feelings which, although we would like, are not the same as ours, lighten and shorten the grieving process.
10. Set realistic goals
Suggest achievable and possible goals, to avoid the frustration that occurs when you don’t get where you want to go.
Understand that there is no one or nothing perfect. That we are all special and different, and that as long as our goal is perfection, we will not enjoy the process and we’re going to come back down whenever something doesn’t come out the way we think it will.
12. Don’t guess what other people think
Acting by believing that what we believe others believe is absolute truth, without appreciating that we can be confused and that others do not think as we think.
13. Without procrastination
Leave for later what you can get out of the middle, it makes your mind busy thinking that you have something to do, And that you cannot profit 100% from what you do.
14. Don’t take everything personally
Don’t think that the whole world revolves around your belly button and that all the decisions others make have to do with you. If someone is laughing at the table in the group, maybe it’s because something made them laugh, they don’t have to laugh at me. When we think everything is against us, maybe we are the ones.
15. Develop empathy
Knowing how to put yourself in the other’s shoes and see their reality through their eyes, not ours. It helps us understand others and facilitates personal relationships.
Darwin said that the smartest being is the one who has adapted the best to the environment. To be able to understand situations and experience them in the best possible way according to our means, it avoids a lot of suffering.
17. Pay attention to the way we treat each other
Realize the way we talk to each other. Language is very important when it comes to self-worth, and often the verbalizations we make about ourselves are far from loving, tolerant and realistic. Self-criticism is fine as long as the result is an attempt at improvement, Not a constant automachaque from which nothing productive emerges.
18. Don’t expect others to act the way you would
Often times we find ourselves saying “it’s just I wouldn’t do it that way”, as if others should do it the same way we would.
19. Ability to transform
Realize the power we have to transform the lives of others and therefore ours as well. Be aware of the importance of small gestures and its impact.
20. Do not act when we want to wait for others to do so
Wait for third parties to make decisions for us, without thinking that we have the power of our lives to be able to act. For example, don’t call someone while they wait for them to take the first step. With this, I keep my life on hold and lose power.
21. Don’t punish yourself
Be more fair and tolerant of yourself and allow yourself to fail without it being a disaster, without extreme personal demands. In that sort of thing, I always ask “if this had happened to a friend of yours, would you be that hard?”, And the answer is almost always a definite no. If you didn’t treat anyone so cruelly, why wouldn’t you?
22. Select the battles to fight
Many times we are in a turmoil from which we are not going to take anything away and which only leads to mental wear and tear that we can avoid. There are discussions that we already know from afar and that are not worth it. As we say here, sometimes it’s better to have peace than to have reason.
23. Make decisions
Sometimes we don’t take them, either for fear of making a mistake or for fear of the consequences. Making decisions gives us power over our lives and that’s how we feel.
24. Escape from prison what they will say
Letting our lives revolve around what others may say about us empowers others over our lives. Therefore, anyone can hurt us. Accepting that we do what we do will always have someone criticizing us, and stay true to ourselves promotes self-esteem, security and confidence.
25. Take the error as an apprenticeship
Understanding mistakes as a way to learn, rather than a pattern for defeat, which makes us value ourselves negatively and globally based on that mistake.
26. Knowing how to retire on time
We have the misconception that retirement is a loss, when sometimes Knowing when to go say goodbye is the greatest victory. Staying where you are no longer happy or where you no longer want to, is to prolong the agony.
27. Set limits
Learn how to tell others how far they can go in our personal space. Knowing how to say “so far”, “enough”, and above all, learning to say “no”, without this leading to feelings of guilt.
28. Enjoy the present
Learn to live in the here and now, because it’s the only thing that really exists. We can’t change the past and the future may never come, And spending our day in one or the other makes us lose what really matters: what is happening.
29. Use fears
Understanding that fear is normal and adaptive, but that being crippled by it robs us of freedom and makes us live a life we don’t want to live. Fear of the unknown, of failure, of change, of loneliness makes us stay without moving to a place where we’re not really happy.
30. Don’t insist on going as far as you can
As much as we want, sometimes we need to be aware that there are things, situations or people that we cannot do more with.
On many occasions, we think that others have characteristics that we have set for them and that they should act in this way. When that doesn’t happen, we feel disappointed. One source of liberation is to accept others as they are.
32. Say what we think or feel
Everything that we shut down and hurt stays inside, accumulates and ends up exploding in a way that stains everything in the form of: depression, anxiety, etc. Therefore, you have to be able to defend yourself against injustices, Express our judgment or how we feel.
33. Knowing how to accept a no
Understand that not everyone should be available to us and that as free beings we all have the right to say no. And it goes all over the place. Many times we find it difficult to understand that we are being rejected, that we feel hurt and that we engage in an internal struggle to be able to adapt it. Accept your neighbor’s decisions, even if they aren’t what we want, Is another way to show respect.
34. Know that you can’t always be happy
Happiness is not something we can always control. Sometimes it’s time to suffer. Life brings us situations that we would never want to experience, but it is. Therefore, to understand that sometimes there is no choice but to learn to deal with negative emotions, it makes it easier for us to deal with bad times in the best possible way.
Know that they will happen, just like the good ones (so it is recommended that when we are doing well we are aware that we are so that we can have as much fun as possible). And try to develop resilience (ability to come out stronger from adverse situations).
35. Don’t put others first
Believing that others are more important than us, always thinking of how to please leaving us in the background, feeling guilty when we think of ourselves because we believe someone may feel bad, giving explanations to everyone about what we do, or we stop making deliveries power over our lives and allowing them to enter our intimacy and privacyThis lowers our self-esteem.
36. Do not leave our happiness in the hands of others
Believing that we will be happy when someone takes care of us, for example. Without understanding that happiness is not on the outside, but on the inside. Obviously, I’ll be better off if I get the things I want to accomplish, but thinking that others are responsible for the improvement makes me disengage.
37. Don’t focus on what you lack rather than what you have
Compare us, almost always leaving them to lose. Never be satisfied. Not allowing us to enjoy what surrounds us, because we are looking for what is not.
Learn to take care of yourself
I advise, from time to time, to revisit the list so that we can see where we have improved and where we still have work to do. And expand it with whatever comes to mind that robs us of freedom.