Coitocentrism: causes and symptoms of obsessive sex

We are all born with some innate abilities that allow us to survive in our environment, such as the sucking instinct or crying that allows us to attract the attention of adults when the baby has a need. Behaviors that constitute a large repertoire of behaviors that do not require prior learning. Other skills such as walking, swimming or speaking a language are learned throughout life.

Likewise, we have learned skills to have sex with other people. This learning will be conditioned fundamentally by three variables: lived experiences, the education received in the immediate environment and the standards that culture marks at every moment through a frame of reference in which we must evolve.

    What is the frame of reference in the sexual domain?

    It is the sexual model that culture has instilled in us and on which we build our way of living and expressing our sexuality.

    This framework in our culture (and so many others) marks the red lines on which our sexual behavior must be framed.. It determines what is right or wrong, what is expected of us based on our age or whether we are male or female.

    The frame of reference consists of a structure in which are identified four fundamental blocks listed below.

    1. The head of sex is reproductive

    For centuries, it has been understood that reproduction is the most important end of intercourse. Fortunately, that has changed over the past few decades, with breeding taking a back seat for fun.

    2. The frame of reference is Coitocentrist

    Given the importance that reproduction has had until recently in intercourse, vaginal intercourse or penetration has long been the practice of choice during intercourse, as it is the behavior that increases the likelihood the most. fertilization. This idea has continued and remains active in the present.

    This way, intercourse instead of being interpreted as another sexual practice, is seen as the center of sexual intercourseEverything revolves around him, hence the term “co-centrist”. A clear example of this is the importance that has been placed over the centuries on “virginity”, that is, the first vaginal sexual intercourse.

    3. Sex = genitals

    If the primary goal of the relationship is reproduction and in order to reproduce myself I need to have sex, in order to have sex I need genitals. The stench or the need that almost everyone feels to hide this part of our body in most contexts (something obligatory when going to a public swimming pool for example) justifies this idea.

    The association we learn between sex and genitals is so powerful that it prevents us from understanding sex without genitals.. The importance that culture has placed on penis size associated with sexual potency / pleasure, also explains why the genitals are seen as the frame of reference for the vital part of sexuality.

    4. Inequalities between men and women

    The frame of reference we learn is sexist, as it assigns a number of sexual priorities and obligations to men and to the women of others. In heterosexual relationships, the man must always have sexual desire, he must give pleasure to the woman and he cannot be wrong, that is, he must have an erection in every relationship in addition to have to last at least the time she needs to reach her orgasm, among other obligations.

    The woman, on the other hand, should not show too much sexual desire to avoid being called “light”., Must include the emotional in their sexual relations (so as not to do “sex for sex”) and enjoy the sound that marks the man, among others.

    How to fight against coitocentrism?

    Excessive focus on sexual intercourse can lead to unwanted consequences such as the onset of sexual dysfunction (premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, etc.). Therefore, it should be remembered that:

    • Having sex is not the same as having sex: For all of the above, human sexuality encompasses a wide range of behaviors, desires and emotions, so sex should be understood as just one more game. Focusing sexuality on intercourse can have negative effects for several reasons. First, we make our sex very poor (reducing sex to one practice). Secondly, giving a lot of importance to coitus makes it more important than it really is, it can promote the appearance of anxiety to do well, to give size and it causes some sexual problems as we do. has already reviewed.
    • It is practical to get out of monotony and integrate other non-coital behaviors into our sexual relationships, Not even the genitals (caresses or massages on other parts of the body for example), because this will expand our repertoire and therefore our sexual satisfaction.
    • The most important end of sex is sexual pleasure and satisfactionThis is why there is no first and second behavior but in any case, behaviors that satisfy us more or less. Individual or couple masturbation, fellatio, caresses, etc. they should not necessarily lose priority in our sexual intercourse repertoire. We should not confuse the goal (sexual pleasure / satisfaction) with the means (sexual practice), therefore the end should not be to have sex, because it will in any case be a means to achieve this pleasurable end. If we have the right mental attitude, we can always feel satisfied regardless of the sexual behavior we adopt.
    • It’s not about demonizing sex but giving it the right importance that you can have and try to expand the pleasure options according to individual tastes and preferences.

    In short, to be critical or at least to reason about the positive and negative consequences of what culture sometimes imposes on us and by choosing the option that best suits our tastes (even by choosing to be very coitocentric), we will make you more free in many areas, including sexual.

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