The reason for this title is the surprise with which we discover in the consultation how people who ask us for help are influenced by family and social values, sometimes acting as a trench or shelter from the problem they bring, and other times reinforcing the torture that they suffer.
Although the concept of morality has a religious tinge, we will use it to illustrate what happens when personal values become rigid and they don’t admit a second chance, drawing an explosive red line between what is right and what is wrong. And it is that people who live at a crossroads can be forced by the context to act against their own schemes, generating suffering and crises that are very difficult to resolve.
In this article we will explain what happens when a person forges guidelines or rules that lead to anxiety and how it can be corrected to finally allow a respite and move forward calmly. After all, that’s what resilience is to successfully manage adverse events.
The importance of values in psychotherapy
We regard values as those ideas, attitudes, philosophies that the person holds; and if it is also consistent with these values, it is the person himself who gains value in his own eyes.
It does not matter whether the values come from social, family or cultural norms, the important thing is that they are reinforced in the human being, strengthening his capacity to resolve the conflicts that life poses to him, generating security and motivating research. experiences that add pleasant memories to the human being.
Although the reverse can also happen, they do not reaffirm the human being but crucify him and strip him of his dignity. This is the case with people who feel they must adhere strictly to their values, succeed, be responsible and good people, etc. In these cases there is discomfort, sometimes like a mallet on the head dictating a sentence, other times like a knife stabbed in the heart, and the pain is unbearable, for it is never enough to do what they are doing. font: there are always mistakes to report, stumbling to punish, And failures that warn as a bad omen.
It may also happen that there is an absence of values, resulting in a response of indifference to events. In these cases, psychologically, we would be talking about very serious issues that would prevent introspection or healthy connections with other people.
The difference is critical according to if a person’s very relationship to their values leads them to suffering, To comfort or indifference, because this determines the way to walk towards what is desired, to see others, to think of alternatives, to resolve conflicts, to look to the past, to contemplate the future, etc.
When values turn against you
Values are always based on learningThe same as we receive from people who saw us being born, who gave us life and made us discover the world. Emotional intelligence places a lot of emphasis on this aspect, not so much on what to teach, but on how to teach it, from what perspective or emotional state.
We usually find people in consultation trying to resolve conflicts with themselves, and not just with the event that threw them off balance. As we listen to them we perceive how to speak. In other words, they can blame themselves for not acting, express that they will never be able to express what they feel, stay anchored in “I don’t want to think about it, no, no, no…”. When we dig deeper and patients are aware of this way of communicating with themselves, we find this relationship with their referents.
These problems are common in having lived with parents who were afraid when their child was in pain and responded anxiously (“don’t worry, don’t worry!”), Or who firmly believed that the letter with blood between “(” if you don’t study I enroll you in a military school so that you learn to value the effort “), or that due to the financial burden and the pressure at work, they could not being aware of the emotional state of their children (having them so young as if to resolve conflicts without wanting to tell anyone).
If no one has paid attention to this learning, these boys and girls will reach an adult world in which they reproduce this way of communicating, increasing the likelihood of developing anxiety, depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder, Which are usually diseases resulting from a system that cannot cope with all the leftovers that arise.
When values become virtue and resilience
The insurance referents, calm and attentive, convey the same values, but in this sense there is a big difference. Safety does not in any way mean “whatever happens, you can do it all”, Mr. Style Wonderful Message that conveys anxiety beyond overstimulation that produces an illusion of control. The real meaning of security, as an emotional state, is knowing how to be present, things are going well or bad, good or bad, because what really matters is the relationship, not the outcome.
An adult who admits he is wrong, even if he fucks, is a safe adult, because he will look at his son or daughter with the same eyes, who will observe “what happened” when he failed or failed. been hurt, and that will make him put aside the “what have you done,” that message so counterproductive it is laden with guilt.
What does it convey security? That there is always a possibility to choose, that it’s not just about fighting, that you can let go to lick your wounds, that strength is in calm and not in aggression, that you do not agree with the opinion of the adult is a right, which is loved in good times and bad.
Patients who have received this type of safe affection, can experiment with what is outside their internal rules to explore more options and not fall into eternal punishment, learn from the result and still be able to choose, fundamental for themselves. adapt to the world.
What can be done when the battle for value makes you suffer?
Although we have focused on the parents as the benchmarks, everyone can practice falling for the mistakes we have seen. And that’s the key, that values are reinforced when working with other people. We are social beings, we need others, even if they have the capacity to harm us, hence the advantage of being selective.
Anyone who grew up with internal messages that block you, hurt you, saturate you … has had positive experiences on their own, being part of the growth process (experiences at college, related to work, sports, art, despite being a parent, etc.), only that his brain has so far selected only those memories that are closely related to internal messages, for this reason when they come to the consultation express that “I ‘ have always been bad “.
Teach this spirit with resources its own abilities is part of the work we do at Rising Therapy, bringing the security of calm and professionalism, always respecting what the patient wants to achieve, maintaining their own values, which have always worked like a whip that imposed punishment, and now they will transform into that partner who helps, with effort and perseverance, to pave the way to a possible future.