Ruptures: resolving them to grow

Breakups are one of the most intense and unpleasant situations in our lives, causing us psychological discomfort, anxiety, discouragement and even a sense of lack of meaning or purpose. When we go through this experience, we feel like we are in limbo and we don’t know how to move on or separate ourselves from these feelings of discomfort. Why is it so intense? And above all… How could you manage it so that it doesn’t affect your future?

Although we usually associate psychology with issues of anxiety, discouragement, or clinical issues, in reality, a breakup is one of the most common reasons for seeking a psychology session and beginning a process of personal change. Anxiety, anguish or confusion do not enter our lives for free, but an event leads us there. However, the problem is not in those feelings, but in how you deal with them.

In this article, we’ll dive deeper into why breakups are so painful and intense, what psychological factors are involved, and most importantly, how to learn to manage these feelings to live a process of personal change where your well-being depends primarily on you and your future relationships are not affected by this experience.

My name is Rubén Camacho, psychologist and coach in Human Empowerment, and everything I’m going to tell you in this article is based on my real experience of accompanying people in their processes of change. In these processes, we rely on the evidence of psychology, but also on the pragmatism of coaching, so that you can achieve changes quickly, practically and stably.

Why Breakups Are So Hard

Relationships are one of the most special experiences of our lives, but also the most difficult to manage. In a relationship, we find a unique bond and a well-being that we want to feel and experience… but that we don’t control. The well-being we feel in a relationship is uncontrollable because it does not depend on your decisions, but on a myriad of factors outside of you. This is why relationships are born a sort of struggle of egos over timewhich leads us to develop fear, insecurity, or depending on the conflicts that arise, jealousy, anger or anxiety.

When we experience a breakup, we feel that we have lost control of our well-being, fear invades us and an anxious picture develops. Anxiety is a generalized fear, like a constant state of alertness. Anxiety, in turn, is totally related to the way you breathe.

Anxious breathing is rapid, shallow, so that the diaphragm often touches the pit of the stomach (hence that unpleasant feeling in the chest). The rest of the symptoms are a consequence of this: eating problems, lack of appetite, heartburn, difficulty falling asleep, intrusive thoughts (constantly thinking about the other, looking for contact, looking on social networks), etc. .

A breakup will always be an unpleasant experience, which mobilizes us and changes our routines. If we do not know how to manage the situation, this leaves us with harmful lessons for the future (mistrust, lack of motivation in relationships of any kind or, on the contrary, living with the need to have a partner for fear of loneliness) .

However, if you learn to manage this situation, this learning will be the opposite: it will help you build well-being and generate more positive relationships in the future. Let’s put the four keys to get it.

The changes needed to overcome the breakup in a positive way

The unpleasant feelings of breakups are natural and can also be useful, because they help us to know each other, to overcome the difficulties that we encounter in the relationship, and that everything goes through your own personal change (which will influence you positively in the rest of the parts of your life).

To better manage this situation and make it a valuable learning for the future, we must face four learnings.

First: respiratory mechanics

Apparently it’s the breakup that’s causing your anxiety, but in reality it’s the way you breathe. Rapid, shallow breathing will affect you in a psychological, emotional, and organic sense (harming your health). In this sense, it is essential to learn to breathe completely, so that you can reduce the intensity of anxiety. This will allow you to gain serenity, rest better and focus on the change you need. This is an essential step and the first, and unfortunately forgotten (the increase in the consumption of anxiolytics takes us away from these precious lessons).

Learning to breathe will focus on your well-being, reduce the consequences and symptoms of anxiety, and allow you to build well-being. Any process or change we try to achieve without working with this part will remain incomplete (causing problems to come back over time)

Second: learn to understand and manage your emotions

During a breakup, we feel emotions that condition you on a daily basis, your decisions and your thoughts. But the problem is not in these emotions, but in how do you manage them?. Learning to manage them will allow you to get to know yourself and will make you generate more acceptance, security and confidence.

Third: develop self-esteem

Self-esteem is not high or low, but whether it works for you or not. Your self-esteem works when your well-being depends primarily on you, your actions, your decisions, your routine and you day after day. It is common that in the face of problems by focusing on relationships, we forget to build this well-being and we give in too much to the relationship. As paradoxical as it may seem, giving so much importance to the relationship deteriorates it more and more. Learning to build self-esteem means that your well-being depends on you. We achieve this with a concrete action plan that leads you to this change with certainty.

Finally: deepen your focus and insight into relationships

When breakups are so painful, it’s the approach that failed. If your well-being, security, and stability depended on a relationship, it’s common to feel anxious and insecure (since we can’t control what happens in that relationship). Changing your view of relationships is what will help you build them in a positive way.


In a broken state, we feel there is no way out. However, this release is in your own change, just in the grand possibility that we don’t see. With a process of change in the company of experts, you learn to see that part of you that was a little asleep and that needs to wake up to live well, both with you and with your relationships (partners or not).

I send you lots of encouragement and remember that in Human empowerment you can schedule a first session with me to solve this problem.

In this session, which you can have from home and with freedom of schedule, we get to know each other, explore the problem, find a solution that will help you in a stable way and see how I can accompany you so that you achieve it 100%. Your well-being depends on you, and it depends on me to accompany you on a daily basis, in a committed way, so that you obtain changes as quickly as possible and that you rediscover the illusion.

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