When we look closely at how the human interaction goes, and that in this process of relating to each other there is satisfaction and happiness for all, it is quite paradoxical that being a sufficiently clear objective, we can’t reach it though.
When it comes to analyze failed relationships, for some, it is quite an odyssey, because they fail not only on the first attempt but also on the next. And in the face of these ups and downs, instead of being motivated to look for the real reasons for their breakup, they rather look for the culprits in order to justify their failures.
There are certain elements to consider when it comes to investigating this kind of source of discomfort, including bad ways of communicating, failure to respect prior agreements, poor detection processes, infidelity, drug addiction. , alcoholism or gambling, physical or verbal aggression, taking on the wrong roles …
I will focus on this article at the issue of communication failures in the relationship, not to remove the importance of the others mentioned above, which are also causes of breakup, but for the relevance it has, because it is one of the most approached in the therapeutic processes.
Bad ways to communicate with two people
The basis of success or failure in a relationship is directly related to the way you express what you think and feel. This is what defines the relationship.
Researchers on the subject have made great contributions, especially from the theory of human communication, generated by Watzlawick, Beavin and Jackson.
In the analysis of this theory, certain collections are important and must be taken into account. The first is known as Communication axiom, which explains why in any human interaction “it is impossible not to communicate”.
We always communicate verbally or non-verbally. Verbal communication is what you think and feel, although there may be withholding of information; in the nonverbal, body posture can give clues to what is going on in the interlocutor’s mind, and in many cases this can be too obvious even if not expressed in words.
For example, if you experience anger or resentment when you have a difference of opinion with someone, you may lose control verbally and use words that can hurt the other person. If you use non-verbal language, frowning, crossing your arms, or blushing can all mean you don’t agree with what you hear, even if you don’t articulate a word.
It is also important to keep in mind that whatever you say or do will be influenced by emotions such as anger, impatience, pride, frustration … those which will directly and negatively affect the outcome of this. interaction. .
Below I give an explanation of the different scenarios that can occur in the couple’s communicative interaction.
1. When you are suffering from “psychological deafness”
This alteration attacks both men and women, although in my experience in therapeutic processes, it is men who carry the flag. This is because, in many cases, very rarely do they listen attentively to the communicative intention of the couple because they don’t give him the importance he really has.
2. When you keep an apparent silence
This failure occurs when you maintain an apparent silence even though internally an emotional volcano is generated within you., which sooner or later exploded. It’s not a good idea to be quiet when you need to talk because the other person might mistakenly believe they are right.
It happens when you don’t say a word because you have no way to defend yourself, and not because you are not right, but because you feel helpless or helpless in the face of the arguments or the attitude. of the couple.
When it happens it’s because you adopted it a submissive role that harms your self-esteem, coming to believe you, that your opinion is not valid.
3. When you are not in control and let go of all your anger, frustration or discomfort at that moment
…Adopting attitudes that can harm the other person physically or emotionally. Violent attitudes or words generate violence. Remember, it takes two to fight.
4. When you assume the responsibility is yours
When the arguments raised they make you believe many times that you have full responsibility for what happens, because that’s how your partner makes you feel.
5. When you communicate in one way
That is, he is firmly convinced that he is absolutely right, and the other person is not allowed to give back what they understood from the content of the message.
So what to do?
The training of humans never ends; so, do not believe that everything is already known in terms of interpersonal relationships, where the most important thing is in the middle, which is the way we communicate.
It is essential to first recognize how we are psychologically shaped to be aware of the mechanisms of interpretation of our reality, which misinterpret events, launching an inner message that becomes an obstacle preventing clear and open communication.
Learning to manage thoughts and emotions requires training, which it will help the person to develop the ability to know themselves in order to realize the difficulty he has in trying to express what he thinks and feels.
Knowing why you are trapped in misinterpreting what is going on around you is essential, as this is where communication breakdowns occur.