Relationships are generally contexts in which all emotions are amplified. It is common for them to have the emotional impact of a seemingly insignificant fact much more powerful than in any other situation and type of interaction. Love simply makes our emotional side take the reins of much of our behavior, for better or for worse.
that’s why it is very important to learn how to resolve these absurd discussions that occur in the relationshipThus, they leave no trace on how we think (and interact with) the other person.
Distinguish between absurd arguments and those which are not
However, the first thing we need to do to avoid these problems is to analyze to what extent the history of discussions with our partner is full of disputes which, in fact, they are absurd if they are analyzed with a certain coldness once they have passed.
How do you distinguish meaningless discussions from meaningless discussions? To do this, we have to ask ourselves to what extent discussions and moments of discomfort are due or not to communication. While a reasonable explanation for much of these discussions may be based on a communication problem and expectations, there are a lot of numbers that a good portion of them are “dumb” discussions, in that sense. that which produces them in a communication deficit and an erroneous perception of things.
It can be difficult to come to this conclusion, but we have a powerful tool for it: the opinions of others. Other people, whose interests are not compromised by the existence of our relationship and who have seen first-hand much of the discussions we have had and the reasons that have produced them, will help us to have a vision l objective of the subject as much as possible.
We must combine this resource with a sincere and honest effort on our part to coolly analyze what happened to us and the situations that led to the disputes.
Avoid toxic relationships
What if after this step of reviewing past discussions, we come to the conclusion that the fundamental problem is not communication? Several things can happen: either we are wrong, which is always possible, or communication problems are the consequence of other more serious problems, whether or not related to our relationship, or we live one of the so-called toxic relationships.
Toxic relationships are those in which there are serious structural problems in the functioning of the relationship: Problems very difficult to correct and which seriously affect the well-being of one or both people. This generic category also includes those relationships in which there is overt abuse and an unequal power relationship in which one person dominates the other. To learn more about toxic relationships, you can read this article.
Prevent meaningless discussions
At this point we already know that silly chats have too much of an impact on our relationship, so we want to prevent them from happening again.
We also know that this is a problem that can be solved, even in the medium to long term, because unlike what happens in toxic relationships, what produces it is not something structural, but rather superficial. and that it can be corrected by learning and unlearning certain behaviors. This is precisely why the keys to avoiding silly couple chats presented below are.
Keys to avoiding such discussions
Here are some principles to follow in the mission of bringing the life of a couple into another dynamic of relationships, another phase.
Even if what you want to correct may not be part of the core of the relationship or may be associated with a toxic relationship, that doesn’t mean that managing it is an easy task, as it is a mission in which two members of the couple need to be involved. For that, the best would be to strengthen the application of these keys with couples therapy sessions.
1. The first contact
We start from a situation where there is an asymmetry: we want to start preventing and managing more or less systematically the absurd discussions of a couple, but the other still does not know. The first step in a project based on improving communication between two people is obviously to communicate. And to do this, you need to enjoy a moment of calm, in which the mood of both is good and the corresponding displays of affection are possible. You should also make sure that you have enough time to talk.
In this way, the two components of the relationship will associate the beginning of this plan with this pleasant context in which he began to take the first steps, and will interpret this initiative for what it is.: A mission based on goodwill and the re-establishment of strong and solid emotional ties. Conversely, if we enter this phase during or right after a discussion, the other person is more likely to be defensive.
The explanation should be simple, honest and communicated spontaneously, without following a rigid script, so that the non-verbal language is perfectly suited to what is being said.
2. Examination of past situations
Once the first step is taken, and immediately after, if possible, It is advisable to remember together past absurd discussions and to speak from your own point of view and in what at that time we thought we were seen. It will teach us things we didn’t know about how the other person sees the relationship, what their expectations are, and what things they care about most.
If this first interview deals with motivations likely to also interest the two members of the couple, the simple fact of having had such a dialogue for the first time is in itself very beneficial.
3. Avoid blame
In memory of past discussions, there is a danger that the two components of a couple must avoid: falling into reproach.
This is not to say that the things that made us angry at the time cannot be expressed (in fact, it is advisable to do so), but we have to be careful how we communicate them so that they don’t sound like a sign of revenge. where we are mainly looking for the other person to repent and recognize that we are right. In other words, it’s a question of forms, not of content.
4. Scheduling relationship status interviews
At this point, you might have had a good time talking about the topic, so it is better to end the first conversation.
However, the end of this first session (since it is a self-therapy session, it should be improvised and informal) both members of the couple must commit to taking another moment to talk about how they perceive the relationship, Give their point of view on any real or potential conflicts, etc.
5. Abandon the Internet as a means of communicating a lot
One of the measures to be implemented is, directly, make an agreement to use the Internet only to communicate the essential and most objective. Samples of affection sent through a chat may be fine if they are straightforward, but they should not be part of overly elaborate speech. True communication should only be reserved for situations where the dialogue is face to face.
The goal is to eliminate spaces where communication is ambiguous at times when we are learning to adopt the other person’s point of view. Later, when it is perceived that the absurd chats have calmed down, you can reuse the chats without restrictions.
6. Creation of action protocols
In one of these discussions protocols can be established to carry out these discussions which we believe to be grounded in nothingnessIn other words, in the absence of dialogue. For example, it can be a simple gesture. However, in order not to undermine the value of this symbol, a firm commitment is needed not to use it as a resource to escape discussions based on something serious.