We live in a world where it is more and more common to find people who are eager to have a partner, as well as people who feel anxious when they approach someone or build a relationship. Then, within the relationship, anxiety continues and episodes of jealousy and insecurity arise..
Why is it happening more and more? What is the real reason? And above all, what is the real solution?
This problem is more and more common because we haven’t learned how to build a functional, stable and secure self-esteem, As well as not to have recovered from painful episodes of the past in relation to the couple which left us certain ideas, beliefs, attitudes or fears. Let’s take a look at the reason, the solution and how you can start to take the first steps towards your change if it happens to you.
Anxiety about having a partner
Where does the anxiety with the partner come from (of having a partner or when you have a partner) or the fears of having a partner?
A relationship is the context of a human being’s greatest learning. We are social beings and we tend to relate, and in this two people share an intimacy, beliefs, values and even identities.
It gives rise to fears, conflicts and a struggle for the ego. Each person wants to keep their beliefs, what they think they need and their idea of what is right or wrong..
In a way, a couple is like a mirror. Each member of the couple is like a mirror to the other, where it reflects their virtues but also their fears and insecurities. For this reason, couples usually come into conflict after the early stages of the relationship are over.
This is where the great learning from one to the other comes from. The couple is then like daily therapy in which people can get to know each other better and feel stronger and safer.
However, this fear of feeling vulnerable often leads to anxiety within the couple. At the same time, the same anxiety about loneliness (because we think it is a worthless thought or because we think we are not of interest to others) leads some people to frequently seek a partner, and it is also common for them to make comparisons with others.
This anxiety can also arise because we are afraid of having a partner due to past experiences.
Why is all this happening?
This type of problem arises because it has been learned that well-being, and therefore self-esteem, depends on external factors such as another person’s behavior. It generates anxiety and insecurity, Because it is a well-being that is not in our hands, but outside. The solution is not to “raise” self-esteem, because self-esteem does not really increase or decrease (“raising” self-esteem would be equivalent to inflating ego), but to build a self-esteem that works, where well-being depends above all on internal factors.
The solution: emotional independence
Affective independence is not about being a lone wolf or being an individualist. Everyone depends to some extent on others, on the context, even on the air we breathe. It is about your well-being, to a large extent, depending on internal factors.
If your actions are independent of others and generate well-being on your own, write a life in which you know yourself and can share that well-being with other people. The anxiety of having a partner will go away, as will the fear of having a partner.
A process of change
However, achieving this is not easy. You have to go through a process of profound change where you learn to build and develop your emotional independence. so that your self-esteem really works for you. In Human Empowerment, an online personal development school, you will find a free program for getting started called “Overcoming”.
Although sometimes people need companionship and go through a process of complete change. This is why there is “Grow with Affective Independence”, a 3 month process to build functional self-esteem and thus enjoy both relationships and life without a partner (whatever your case is).
The important thing is to know that your well-being already depends fundamentally on you. It’s about deciding where you leave that wellness.