The type of attachment we developed in childhood with our family or caregivers has been proven to influence how we bond in adulthood with our partners and the type of relationships we have (healthy, addictive, toxic, etc.).
The type of relationship we have is not only influenced by the type of attachment, but by attachment theorythis is an important pillar in how these types of links are made.
How do attachment types influence love?
If we synthesize the categories raised by this theory, we can say that there is one type of secure attachment and three types of insecure attachments; let’s see its features.
1. Secure fixing
People who develop a secure attachment are those who, during childhood, were able to explore the world in the company of their caregiver and received that help, care, and security when they needed it. In this case, the caregiver feels comfortable with the proximity necessary for the development of the child and the latter generates the necessary learning in his head without fear or pain appearing.
In a future, these people will develop healthy relationshipswhere the emotions he and his partner are feeling are identified and discussed and where contact with the partner will be sought without fear or anxiety appearing.
2. Anxious Attachment
These people developed in childhood with caregivers who sometimes had the ability to be close, provide the companionship and security needed for the child to explore the world and on other occasions were not the support that they needed, causing exaggerated behaviors to get your attention. In adulthood, these people will experience insecurities, they will believe that they do not deserve the love they receive and they will be afraid of being abandoned and/or rejected. However, they will end up having relationships where they will generate bonds of dependence, they will feel jealous and drama will be generated in seemingly innocuous situations.
3. Avoidant Attachment
In this case, the person in childhood did not feel that their needs for love and security were met, in addition to not receiving enough physical contact or affection. All of this may be the result of the adult’s inability to bond securely or because of work or family issues they were not present to generate that bond.
In adulthood he will be suspicious, he will flee the most intimate relationships, he will repress his own emotions and see this need to bond as a weakness. In these cases, their relationships will be much more superficial and it will be difficult for them to establish the necessary intimacy to solve the problems and difficulties that may appear in the couple, replacing it with flight and distance.
Sometimes this type of attachment is confused with the secure attachment because of the way of managing the duels at the end of the relationship, but it must be taken into account that the secure attachment is able to contact the typical emotions of the duel (sadness, anger, etc.) while people with avoidant attachment suppress them.
4. Disorganized Attachment
These children had caregivers who exercised some type of neglect, either some type of abandonment, violence or callousness towards the child. In this way, they were not able to fulfill their support function for the child, in some cases generating fear towards the caregiver or rejection, and, in turn, he continued to need them to to survive.
In the adult stage, these people need to create bonds, but, at the same time, they constantly fear the harm the person they are bonding with may cause them. Therefore, at the slightest inconvenience, they tend to reject the couple and/or quickly break off the relationship. They have difficulty regulating and identifying their own emotions and/or those of others, as well as their own limits and those of others.
A curiosity to keep in mind is that we tend to “balance” ourselves by feeling drawn to very opposite attachments such as avoidance and anxiety, generating a toxic dynamic in relationships. Of course, as mentioned at the beginning of the article, not only the type of attachment I have in a relationship influences, but also the fears, beliefs, stories, traumas, etc. that the person has experienced.
If you feel that you are having connection problems, or that you keep repeating the same patterns, I recommend that you seek professional helpwhich identifies your attachment type and the experiences that generated your fear and belief pattern in order to work with them and generate healthier and more satisfying connections and relationships.