Honesty is a value that is often claimed as a necessary element in any relationship. We often defend the idea that by being totally sincere with the person we love we will have a healthy, functional and mature relationship.
But although the theory describes it as very simple, in practice it is much more complicated. There aren’t a few times when speaking the truths, as we feel them or as we see them, can strain the love in our relationship or even cause them to separate the couple.
Can honesty be a problematic factor in romantic relationships? This is the question we’ll answer below, given some situations where saying it as it was is the last thing we should do.
Can honesty in a relationship become a problem?
No matter how faithful and transparent we are with our partner, there are many situations that, still innocent, lead us to wonder if we should talk to our loved one. It may be that, in a completely selfless way, we “threw the cane” at a colleague. It can also happen that, being in the metro, we glanced at a stranger and he answered us. It can also happen that our ex has sent us a message asking us to come back.
All of these situations are not a sign of betrayal or infidelity towards the couple. We did not go to bed with another person and we did not give him an emotional intimacy that we had reserved only for our partner with which, in principle, to tell him that he should not change things. But could we tell him what happened? Do we know how he will react? To what extent does he tell her that this has happened, although it is something innocent and in practice it has not been a betrayal, will he sit down with him? ?
There are countless situations that, while not a betrayal or destruction of the trust our partner has in us, are not going to sit well with the person we want. Yes, he shouldn’t have any reason to think that we hurt him like we didn’t, but we can cast doubt on whether we are really going to hurt him. He may think that we have looked at another person and that it is their fault, thinking that we are looking at others for what he is missing or cannot give us.
Naturally, in all of these situations, we are faced with a dilemma that leads us to decide on two options: say it or shut it up. From what they usually tell us, the basis of a good relationship is honesty, but to what extent? Although honesty is considered a high ethical value in our culture, this value does not always have to be socially pleasurable or functional behaviorIn other words, it doesn’t always guarantee that we will get along with someone when we are sincere. In fact, the opposite can happen.
Depending on our partner’s personality, how they interpret what we say to them, and other factors such as their self-esteem and history of infidelity, confessing any of the above may be against. -productive. Nothing happened, but in the mind of our partner it will happen. It will go round in circles like the drum of a washing machine, so many revolutions that it will end up being a reason for reproach: “No, you did not put your horn on me, but what do you want To put myself? ? “
Like we said, there’s a good chance he’ll interpret things very exaggeratedly, whether it’s male or female. As much as we trust our partner, sometimes we don’t want to know absolutely everything that is happening to them and everything they are thinking., However faithful he may have shown himself. In hot we can say a lot of beasts, and we can use things that didn’t happen like attacks and criticism towards it. For this reason, unless it is something extremely necessary that needs to be explained, there is no need to worry about our beloved.
It goes without saying every situation and every person is different. It could be that what happened to us, like our ex telling us to come back, causes us deep discomfort because we live by not telling our partner about it as some kind of cheating. In this case, as a favor to ourselves, we can explain it, but in a filtered way, calmly, specifying that it is not us who made contact with our ex. We explain this because it is clear that otherwise our concern ended up affecting the couple.
In other cases, it may happen that we consider this message from our ex to be nothing more important than a spam message from most of the people we receive on our mobile. So why tell him? If this message doesn’t remind us inside or mean that we want to get back with our ex, it doesn’t make sense to risk worrying our partner about something that hasn’t happened or is happening. will occur, causing damage caused by its interpretation of the situation. , not the situation itself.
We could outline all the situations in which, if we counted them, we would risk having a real relationship problem even if it were nothing, but the list would be endless. they are situations in which we may believe that we have done nothing wrong, because they have meant nothing to usBut it could destroy our partner if he doesn’t know how to adapt it in the most rational, realistic and objective way possible. He cannot be blamed, love is not rational and everything that is going on around him can hardly be interpreted that way.
Before we can be honest with our partner about something that is insignificant and seemingly innocent, we need to ask ourselves the question, “Will sincerity hurt our partner?” We need to know how to assess whether it is appropriate to tell him what has happened to us. Things that need to be communicated should never be subtracted. If we know that something is going to hurt you, we will tell you, we will only tell you in case it is extremely necessary. If it’s not necessary and can hurt you, why tell her?
Talk to filters
There are other aspects of the couple’s life which are purely internal to the relationship, that is, in which third parties are not involved, but which are totally and absolutely sincere. there is a risk of causing tension. For example, it may happen that one day our bride comes up to us and asks us if the new dress she has put on favors her. We, who think no, make it clear to him that he is wrong, that he is not favoring him at all and that it might be better to fire him.
Of course, we’ve been honest here and we’ve damaged our relationship as well. Our “truth” can clash directly with your “truth”, who can think that she is very favored with this dress which, although she did not tell us, she chose to put on for us, passing by. hours and hours deciding the store to make sure it caused us the most intense impressions. Of course, telling her that he is not favoring her is not going to please him.
This case is a clear example of why unfiltered honesty is bad. Perhaps we have been sincere in thinking expressly for the good of our partner. Since we are told that the best thing in any relationship is to speak the truth, in a clear and concise manner, we have done so with very good intentions. The problem is that, sometimes we forget that the filters are for something, and that this trick is to soften the blow. We can’t say it the way we mean it, let alone a loved one who does a lot of their stuff thinking we’re happy.
This is why we come back here to the idea that every couple is different. What one may feel is good and seen as constructive criticism, the other may see it as an attack on both their identity and their decisions, and their self-esteem will be affected. If we want someone, we have to learn to say things to them, both the things we like and the things we don’t like about him, and if there’s something we know that might make them feel bad and it’s not an emergency change, why tell him-? We accept that it has its strengths and weaknesses, just as we have them.
- Hussain, M., Price, DM, Gesselman, AN, Shepperd, JA and Howell, JL (2020). Avoid information about the romantic couple. Journal of social and personal relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520969856