After more than five years of supporting individual and couple processes to improve the quality and satisfaction of interpersonal relationships, I would like to reflect on a subject as vital as it is extremely difficult to conceptualize: love in the couple.
I have noticed that there is in the conception of love the widespread idea that it is a kind of grace that comes from outside. In other words, it depends on the chance to meet him. In fact, I see my patients thirsty for love.
Behind most irrational behavior and psychological disorders, there is always someone who wants to be loved. And this is precisely the genesis of the problem of love. Everyone thirsts for love, but no one invests anything in learning to love!
Aspects of the relationship we can learn to improve
Then I will express here a series of problems that often make life in relationships difficult and cause a lot of suffering in current couples.
1. The belief that love consists in feeling loved
The belief that love is to feel loved and not the ability to love is very harmful. For this reason, this belief generates a new problem: how to be worthy of love.
To achieve this goal, people can spend their entire lives striving for economic success, social status, or the perfect body. All of these goals will never lead to coveted love as they are ways to make up for a deficient situation.: Lack of personal love.
We can drag this loophole from childhood. We may not have been well cared for or recognized by our parents. If we relate to our partner from emotional gaps and unresolved stories, we can never develop the capacity to love each other and we will feel eternally dissatisfied.
2. Confuse love and fall in love
Many people believe that when the initial infatuation wears off, it is because the love has left the relationship.. I think the romantic movies and the classic image of Cupid throwing his arrows at couples have caused this great confusion.
Falling in love is a combination of intimidating emotions and attraction that produces a series of chemical changes in the brain. At first we tend to idealize the other, And falling in love usually wears off when we start to see their flaws and coexistence is found in reality. If the commitment of a couple is conditioned to feel the butterflies in the stomach, the relationship will not have much future.
3. Lack of sexual polarity
The polarity of the sexes disappears, and with it erotic love, Which is based on this polarity.
Contemporary society tends to preach identity equality and people are very confused as to the natural polarity they possess. The male-female polarity is a biological reality that we cannot skip playing if we are to reap good results in our relationship.
Sex may not be essential in a romantic relationship, however it is the mortar that holds the bonds together and adds color and sparkle to the relationship.
4. Lack of a common goal
In a pair, one and one must add more than two. Couples who share a common goal or horizon can overcome obstacles that will sooner or later lead to the difficulties of coexistence and the conflicts inherent in life. This horizon can be raising a child together, a work project or a shared ideal.
The important thing is that it elevates the couple members beyond their selfish needs and emotional shortcomings. When mutual growth is included in the couple’s goal, the couple can learn from conflict. and grow from them. There is no place where the game of mutual projections shows itself as much as in the couple.
5. Closed communication
We learn many concepts and theories over the course of our lives that we never use. However, something as vital to our relationships as learning to communicate often shines through in their absence.
Most of the couples who usually come to my office tend to admit that they have a serious communication problem.. Closed communication is that model of interaction that remains rigid because its members fail to change the style of communication. We have the classic example of the woman who complains because her husband does not listen to her and her husband does not listen to her because his wife is always complaining. Which came first, the egg or the chicken? In this type of closed communication, each settles down in the convenience of attributing to the other the origin of his own communication.
Couples psychotherapy is a process of accompanying couples which can make it possible to go through temporary crises, change communication strategies and allow the growth of its members through their relationship.
Sessions can also be individual as long as there is a mutual commitment on the part of the couple to follow the therapist’s instructions. If you wish to benefit from this type of professional service, go to the Directory of psychologists.