Can you move forward in a relationship after infidelity?

After having accompanied in the professional project couples who come to counseling needing to heal a broken bond due to infidelity on the part of one or the other, I can say that there are ways to rebuild the bond, the trust.

But the road is long and not all couples are ready to take this path. Along the way, many couples simply decide to desert.

    The meaning of infidelity

    To begin with, it is important to emphasize and make sense of what fidelity means in Western terms; so we can weave the meaning of this fault into a punitive and accusatory culture.

    Let’s understand the meaning. Infidelity is the choice that goes against these implicit and explicit pacts that bind. This action does not refer to the purely sexual; the carnal meeting in the plan of an infidelity is only one of the various causes which formulate this reality.

    Whatever the root cause of infidelity, yes or no, it causes pain to those who experience it, and this suffering is more or less mitigated according to the expectations, the projects and especially the culture that accompanies them. However, it causes pain.

    I have always believed that fidelity is a conscious choice that is based on connection and transcends the purely physical. What happens then when all your expectations are focused on this other, who becomes you, your meaning, your deep reason, and your only truth; and then infidelity appears? A betrayal that generates deep trauma in the relationship. But not only is it limited to the relationship, it also confronts you with what you are as a human being; with your concept, with your image, with your value as a person, with your ego.

      The key question

      It’s time to consider whether the agreements were really so clear that they led to our partner’s misinterpretation of infidelity and its boundaries.

      After understanding the extent of infidelity, the question arises: Is it worth continuing to build with this person who has crossed the limits of my trust and recognition? In this question, many elements will come to be valued, such as: the family, the projects, the dreams and the interests that one has with the other… But above all, the question must be determined by the Self. For my personal value and for what the link means to me in relation to my personal intentions; it is only from this place that it is possible to build and come to an agreement with oneself in the face of what we choose.

      In our system, we have a deeply rooted sense of unity, which is why we often do we sink into the desire to maintain, sometimes, unsustainable relationships; but we understand this after going through the pain of betrayal as many times as possible.

        In therapy

        Couples who come to therapy with the hope of finding forgiveness and restoring meaning to trust, attachment and their relationship, they face a clumsy, harsh and sometimes even disintegrating reality that calls us to order, and it is precisely the therapy, the fact of talking about the discomfort, of putting on the table what we avoid as much as possible because it calls us to the responsibility of taking care of ourselves. In an act of responsibility and others of desperation we find ourselves sitting in front of a third party in which I put all the excitement to reintegrate my most basic sense of humanity.

        Meeting after meeting begins to be recognized, according to the therapeutic axes that the professional manages to interweave in his speech and in his approach, the channels of introspection necessary for the responsibility we have with the other to emerge from the individualand thus understand that it takes more than communication, projection, meaning, love, recognition to make a relationship lasting.

        This navigation leads the couple to ask themselves different questions and to integrate the finality so that the system is adapted. Agreements can never cause us to give up, take on unnatural burdens, or demand inappropriate changes. A relationship must be a perfect balance between two people who are chosen as a life project.

        In this sense, the therapeutic space allows us to integrate your desires, my desires, your limits, my limits and our relational agreement.

        Only the therapeutic movement multiplied by the psychic movement of each of the consultants who make up the couple manages to make us move forward; not mobilized by the ego but by love itself. It is then possible to speak of a reconciliation, that is to say of a new revision of what we are as individuals in a couple system.

        As a specialized couples therapist, I seek to contact agreements supported by love, recognition and above all respect. I seek to integrate the individuality of being into a system that operates in an environment. I seek to blur the guilt to focus on the responsibility of caring for the other. I seek a higher conscience to allow me to choose wisely and act in his honor. I seek closure that has only two outcomes: choose us again or be grateful for who we were, generate learnings, and move on.

        It takes a lot of courage to choose.

        It takes courage to deal with discomfort.

        It takes determination to believe, trust and build in a short term, fleeting, conditioned and temporary world.

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