Choosing a partner: 5 important aspects to consider

Why do we fail so much in choosing a partner? Why do we perpetuate relationships that make us unhappy?

There is the possibility of making love a conscious choice, a decision made not only from the emotion and impulsivity resulting from the fall in love, but also from rationality and lucidity (all lucidity that one can have in a brain flooded with oxytocin).

The problem is not that love is predestined to fail: it is not. But knowing how to choose a partner is not always easy.

Bad choice of love

The problem arises when we rush to choose a partner, either because we do not want or do not know how to be alone and we are in the arms of the first one who gives us attention, or because we do not want to, and we need another who fills our lack of self-esteem with their care and affection, or because they blind us to certain characteristics of the other that prevent us from seeing their full personality.

In search of a protective figure

If we tell about the lack we are probably looking in the couple (unconsciously) for a substitute for our father / mother, A nurse, a psychologist or someone who fulfills all of these roles at once.

This will lead to an immediate imbalance in the relationship, an increase in our demands and needs to never be full, exhaustion of the other person and the relationship which will eventually lead to unhappiness, hatred or loss. breaking up.

So the main step that we always tend to forget is learning to be alone with ourselves.

Be complete people, face our shortcomings, set clear life goals, Manage our emotions, tolerate frustration and the fear of failure, take care of ourselves and love ourselves as the unique and irreplaceable people that we are … all of these factors will make our emotional lives healthier and beneficial to all.

Mini-guide on choosing a partner

Once we have completed this task of introspection and personal work, we will be (relatively) ready to begin a love affair.

What filters can we use to choose who to start a relationship with?

1. Remember our failed relationships

Avoiding the presentation of the “ex” in another person’s body is necessary, because we tend to always choose the same type of partners, and therefore to recreate pathological patterns of relationship and always result in conflicts for the same reasons.

Identify what went wrong in your previous relationships and what characteristics the new partner (and you) must have in order to not end up so bad.

2. Find common ground

Observes and identifies the other person’s values, beliefs and life expectations and assess whether they objectively match yours.

If, for example, you don’t want to have children and you enter into a relationship with a woman who wants to be a mother, sooner or later a great conflict will be generated which will lead or end the relationship, or abandon the relationship. one of the members of your life project, which will generate anger, rage, frustration and dissatisfaction.

3. Examine the conversation

One of the most rewarding experiences of being in a relationship is opening up to each other and being able to share emotions, concerns and feelings through the word.

When there is no fluent conversation, it is likely that boredom and dissatisfaction will come quickly.

4. Pay attention to your sense of humor

Life is too short to decide to spend it with someone who doesn’t make you laugh. It is therefore important that you and your partner share a certain sense of humor and can have fun together.

5. Same degree of commitment to the relationship

Whether it is a monogamous or polygamous relationship, the important thing is that the two members agree on the degree of exclusivity through which they want to build their relationship.

Still following these guidelines, can the relationship “fail”?

Of course. First of all, we have to free ourselves from the idea of ​​the couple as something eternal, of the “forever”, because in the uncertainty that a relationship can happen, anything can happen.

This is why it is important to continue to build our lives beyond the couple, by making them an important part of our lives, but not as a whole, by removing from our vocabulary expressions such as “you are my life” , “I cannot live without you”, “always yours” more typical of emotional and affective dependence than of love.

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