Couple discussions are one of the most stressful experiences of our lives. Arguments in any relationship are born out of anger, disappointment or insecurity, exhaust you and discourage you. In relationships or family relationships, they make us feel particularly vulnerable, since they are very close ties and where we share not only well-being, but also personal identity. What makes people argue so much? Can discussions be managed? How to stop them?
One of the biggest mistakes we make in discussions is believing that they are inevitable. We think that arguments come because the other is unfair (a value judgment towards the other), because we lose control, because of incompatibilities or because we feel disappointed or attacked. But these are in fact interpretations that prevent us from going deeper into the problem.
Arguments are truly avoidable, but for that you must first dig deeper into why they are happening and what needs to change in you (the other person cannot be controlled) to stop them happening.
That’s what personal change is: getting to know yourself, getting to know yourself, and applying the changes needed to end this unpleasant situation forever. This is what we will see in this article: why the discussions take place, what is the underlying psychological problem and how we can manage this root and prevent it.
This problem is very common not only in our daily life but also in psychological consultations. In the cases where I accompany people in their processes of change as a psychologist and coach where they have this problem, we see that the difficulty is not really in the discussions, but in what motivates them. Let’s try to make the first step of this process of change a read for you today. Let’s go for that!
The origin of the discussions
Every discussion seems to be an episode of anger. Anger is an unpleasant and above all active emotion, because it involves great energy on your part and mobilizes you to act. Anger causes us to raise our hands, move quickly, raise the volume of our voices, and be defensive or even attack (with ironies, accusations, reprimands, etc.).
Just being carried away by anger makes us feel that we are right, that what we think is exactly what is happening… but our emotion is the result of what you interpret as an event, not reality.
Anger always arises for a simple reason: you don’t like something that happened and you want to change it. In turn, wanting to change what’s going on (or take action against the other person, which is what we’re discussing) implies that you want to stay in control. And wanting to control, in a deeper way, is linked to the fear of losing control.
We feel angry because we are afraid of feeling vulnerable. Anger is a form of active fear. When situations are beyond your control because the other person is acting in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable or vulnerable, anger emerges as a control system. But it rarely works. Anger only causes arguments, more and more arguments, and ends up being a frequent behavior and a way of relating that vitiates these relationships, exhausts them and often makes them disappear.
It is in the couple that they occur most often. Why?
Anger and arguments within the couple
In a relationship we experience well-being, an intimate bond, we dissolve in the other, and through this union we share a well-being that never depends 100% on you, since there are two people involved. For this reason, and as the relationship progresses, fears, insecurities, mechanisms to try to validate what we believe can happen, expectations and demands arise. Because of the need to have control over our relationships (as a couple or not), discussions arise.
Discussions are never helpful. The useful thing is to learn to set a clear limit when you do not want to receive a certain type of behavior (which can also be verbal). Boundaries help you communicate what you want, what you don’t want, what you can, what you can’t, etc. Limits are necessary, however discussions are often the result of not knowing how to set time limits (in addition to not knowing how to understand and manage our fears and insecurities).
Any type of conflict or discussion then arises for a fundamental reason: a difficulty in understanding and managing what you feel, which in turn conditions what you interpret and ultimately your behavior. These types of emotions (fear, insecurity, anger, frustration, also guilt) can be very sticky and condition our relationships, harming them. How to get out of the vicious circle?
I’m going to give you 5 keys that are a process of personal change for you. It is essential to work with each of these steps so that the problem is left behind, and not only do you stop arguing, but the anger is reduced in intensity, frequency and durationwith which you will gain quality of life, calm, welcome and security.
The necessary change (to stop arguing)
We cannot control relationships, either. But you can learn to understand and deal with how you feel, how you appreciate it, how you approach your relationships, what causes you to argue, so that change happens within you and you live with more peace. and acceptance, so that you can live your relationships calmly and with a higher degree of awareness (from there, you can make the right decisions). These are five key steps.
Before you see them, remember that in Human Empowerment you have the possibility to schedule a first exploratory session with me (you can also access it from my author profile in psychology and mind). During this session, which we can have via Whatsapp, we can get to know each other, go deeper into your problem, find a solution and see how I can accompany you in your process and obtain the change you need 100%. Important: This is a real psychological consultation, so it is important that you really want to resolve what is happening to you.
First, understand how you feel
Humans tend to react automatically to how we feel. However, our emotions are the result of what you have interpreted, our understanding of situations and especially the way we handle them. (always from our behavior). When we begin to better understand what your emotions mean to you, you can see situations with greater openness, which softens the anger and the discussion doesn’t happen.
Second: learn to manage it
Learning to understand and manage your emotions is a change that will serve you for the rest of your life, not just for now or for your relationships.. However, how you deal with your emotions is not through a thoughtful process or course, but through your own actions. Our behaviors are those that manage emotions to make them more intense, frequent or long-lasting. Learning to manage your emotions will help you develop more acceptance, security, calm and confidence. This is what we learn in a process of personal change, since all change always comes from emotion (we are emotional beings and they condition us in everything we do and think).
Third, work with your communication
Our way of communicating (if it is more imperative, opaque, inclusive, etc.) creates difficulties when it comes to connecting with the other, and therefore more discussions arise. In turn, your communication is a form of verbal action, which it affects certain emotions and revalues them. A change in this part will create a different feeling that will gradually help you deal with what you feel.
Fourth: Revalue your partner concept
Relationships are very subjective, as we live in a globalized world, where we are sold an ideal love relationship that is unrealistic. When you dive into what being in a relationship means to you, you can discover a lot and get to know each other better.. Where do you build your relationships? Out of trust or out of a need for security?
Fifth: Set boundaries (both personal and personal)
Setting clear boundaries helps us avoid arguments. But those boundaries shouldn’t just be on each other, but also on you (in terms of what you can or can’t address, resolve, etc.). When we don’t set limits, we feel a lot more drained, and discussions have a more unpleasant effect.
The process goes further
These five steps are part of a much deeper, and in turn practical, process of change that you can stop arguing with forever (not to get angry, because that’s natural, but to get angry , it does not influence you so much). I send you a lot of encouragement, enthusiasm and commitment to this change. Remember that in Human Empowerment you have the opportunity to take the first step.
Thank you for thinking of you, Rubén Camacho.