What is the common denominator that makes us fall in love and choose a particular person to be our partner?
This question sounds very simple, but many people claim that they are not sure why they are choosing this or that person. They say that perhaps the principle is guided by certain characteristics – physical or not – which either catch their attention or a personality trait or are simply guided by a hunch.
Do you always choose the same type of partner?
It is curious that many people, after breaking up an unsatisfying relationship, find themselves in a similar situation again and again over time. This situation is due to the fact that there is a common denominator in these relationshipsThey fall in love with a person very similar to their ex-partner and this leads to repeating the same pattern. Therefore, it generates very similar situations and conflicts in different relationships – but not that different from each other.
Scientific studies indicate that people tend to relate to their partners in the same way they were taught to relate to their parents as children. Depending on this, a wide range of relationship possibilities can be found. If relationships with their parents were positive, healthy and satisfying, they will tend to seek out partners who are similar to their parents, in the way they interact and communicate with each other.
On the other hand, if the relations with the parents were rather negative, confrontational and senseless, they tend to repeat these relational patterns in future couples. And why does this happen?
The insecurities we carry since childhood
This is because in parental relationships some have been created insecurities, some pors and the emotional needs that have left, in a way, that emotional mark that usually accompanies them throughout life. They may look for people who seem different from these numbers, but who subconsciously have something in common. It’s because they’re trying to do better what their parents did wrong – or what could be improved.
These are people who, at the start of a new relationship, build positive and healthy relationships. But that, in the face of occasional difficulties or problems in a relationship – which always appear over time – float those insecurities and fears. It makes them absorbent, suspicious, distant, Etc., what they have learned from the way they relate to their parents.
At this point, they are disappointed with their partner, for being completely different from what they knew about that person at the start of this relationship. And it’s not true that they’re different people – the one at the start and the one at the end of the relationship – but, at the beginning, they bonded in a healthier, more positive way and that changes when in the end. One or both members activate these fears for some reason. They begin to identify with themselves because of the insecurity and fear, which were the patterns they learned and recorded in their childhood.
Trying not to fall on the same stone
We are talking about the tendency to follow patterns that were learned in childhood, but no one is saying that these patterns cannot be changed. If one realizes that these patterns lead him to be unhappy with the choice of his fellow travelers in life, he will have to do something to get out of this situation. With more or less difficulty you can modify some things for this recidivism in the search for erroneous partner models vary, modify and disappear.
How could we change these recurring and problematic patterns? To come out of this recurrence in search of complicated relationship patterns, we need to answer the following points:
1. Identify our fears
Think about what scares us the most when we’re in a relationship, and think about why we may feel that way (parenting relationships in childhood, unrequited break-up, etc.).
2. Similarities between the relationships you have had and the problems you tend to have with your partners
This way, you will identify the items you need to work on individually.
3. Overcome fears
Don’t be afraid that things will happen before they happen. But don’t let it be these fears that lead you into situations that make you uncomfortable or unhappy.
4. Be confident and enjoy (knowing yourself)
We must keep in mind that each person has a number of virtues and faults (to a greater or lesser extent). Being aware of this can make you value your attitudes and behaviors. These behaviors can be worked on and improved. You don’t have to think that your happiness depends on the person next to you (who is helping or who has the power), but you should feel good and happy for yourself.
5. Broaden horizons
Find out that there are some interesting people who come out of “role models you just watch” who can do a lot for you. Develop the type of person that you usually focus on, both physically and personally.