Do you argue a lot with your partner?

Intimate relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives; however, it is human that while we are sharing life with our partner, they arise different ways of seeing and doing things, dealing with problems and reacting to conflicts.

Faced with this phenomenon, Therapy Centered on Emotions for couples, created by Dr. Sue Johnson, offers solutions: a path towards a sincere approach and acceptance of oneself and of the other.

Based on the theory of attachment, this therapeutic process accompanies each member of the couple to rediscover themselves and their relationship, supporting them in the joint work of co-creating a unique recipe for love: “I am who I am, my partner is who he is and together we are and create something much bigger, authentic and very personal”. A romantic relationship for two.

    Managing emotions in relationships

    Contrary to the beliefs of many people, so-called negative emotions (such as anger) take on a positive meaning in emotion-focused therapy (TFE). Why? Because they are definitely signs that the other person cares.

    The behaviors we learn to stand up for what is important to each of us and what we feel inside, they occur especially in times of conflict and discussion. These emotions, what we think and how we act make sense when we can understand not only where they come from and what their function is to protect us, but also how they also activate emotions, thoughts and behaviors in the couple.

    Thus, emotions still have meaning if we look at them from the theory of attachment, the fundamental basis of the ETF.

      The psychological implications of attachment

      Attachment theory, according to its creator and developer John Bolwby, allows us to understand how human beings need to form secure emotional bonds with those who are most dear to us and how expressions of anger, distress or depression arise when this connection is broken or broken. . put in danger. It’s a theory about relationships and love, that enduring psychological and emotional bond that shapes our behaviors and sustains us throughout our lives. This connection is a secure base from which we can be and do, live life and feel understood and accepted..

      When someone is important to us, we feel a deep connection that we want to maintain because it gives us stability in all aspects of our lives. And that’s how when we feel that connection is broken, we react. We react to the threat of losing that special connection, we react with anger, sadness and even silence, depending on each person. Discussions arise because we feel that the most important person in our life does not understand us and that hurts us.

      When we feel distant, we see our very special bond in jeopardy because we stop feeling each other. As each person has a natural need to feel loved and accepted, when it is not we become more reactive in our attempt to protect what we feel, our vulnerability: We protect ourselves by walking away, disconnecting, becoming openly angry, or both.

        A problematic loop

        In this way, the base of security that we share with our partner is damaged with each conflict, and if there is no resolution or reconciliation, it deteriorates and can feel broken. When something causes the conflict to start, each person in the couple feels something inside and acts to express and protect what they feel; a negative cycle appears in the mode of relating which is repeated again and again in different situations.

        This negative cycle is like a two-way street, a “loop”: what I feel makes me think and feel and I do something to express myself. What I do, my partner interprets in a way that also causes him to think and feel something, generating a reaction of reactive protest.

        This is repeated again and again in different discussions, it warns us that we can lose the person we love the most, the one who has been chosen as our companion in life. For example, when your partner does or says something and you interpret it as not accepting you, on the outside you may show anger, on the inside there is fear of not being liked. And at that precise moment, this anger in you awakens in your partner the thought that whatever he does will never be enough, and he withdraws, he withdraws physically, also feeling the fear of not being loved and of lose the most important thing in your life, your love.

        It is then with this distance with your partner, that you feel and interpret that he does not really accept you and that you continue to express your anger at the disconnection… and the cycle begins again.

        One thing is what we really feel inside, another is how we express it and what we let others see. What happens to each inside and what each expresses awakens something in the other that reacts backthis active negative cycle that keeps them apart continues when what they really want is to get closer.

          The best option is to go to therapy

          Emotion-focused therapists are consultants of the couple’s negative cycle and how this way of relating leads to disconnection and estrangement. we can reconnect with the ones we love.

          We understand that shutting up and leaving or shouting and wanting to keep talking is always a protest what he is looking for is to feel the other again. In this way, we work in each therapeutic encounter with the partner by facilitating the connection not only with the emotions that each feels inside, but with the way of expressing them, which activates in the other their way of reacting. Both people in the relationship have emotions that are important and need to be heard to create an attachment that feels secure.

          “Your partner really cares about you and that’s why you react; if you don’t care about this important person in your life, you wouldn’t react.”

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