The dreaded emotional connections … Yes, those love stories you get addicted to that usually don’t end well. How many of us have lost our temper in the face of someone who did not belong to us or who seemed to belong to us but then ignored us?
Understanding why these emotional connections occur is the first step in breaking free from them. We’ll also look at some ways to feel better.
What is an emotional attachment?
The mystery of the love story is simple: As long as this person gives me every now and then what I want, they compensate for what they do to me or what they don’t. One of lime and one of sand. In psychology, this is called intermittent reinforcement: Sometimes I only get what I want. This ends up causing us anxiety, which does not help us see clearly or make the right decisions.
On the other hand, intermittent reinforcement has been shown to be the basis of many addictions. Also of addiction to love.
Let me give you an example
Imagine having a fantastic but dusty car that only starts sometimes. The truth is, you can take the bus, which always takes you where you need it and you don’t miss it.
Sometimes your car leaves you stranded in the morning and it’s stressful having to rush to work afterwards. But since it’s in your street and when it starts it’s a pleasure because it goes faster, you keep trying to start in the morning. Sometimes it starts, sometimes it doesn’t, but you’re still here insisting.
Sometimes, however, the lack of effort and correspondence is ambiguous; in others, there are explicit messages of rejection that we refuse to accept.
I also find it important to point out that living these hooks it does not always mean that we tend to find such relationshipsOften times, the hook is a pure consequence of the dynamics and behavior of the other person. And while it’s true that our self-esteem may not be at its best, it will of course take a hit over time.
How to detect them?
Check the following list to see if you are reflected in any of the emotional attachment symptoms:
- The other seems to have the power, that is, you often think “I love him more than he loves me” so you have more than “to lose”.
- He often justifies his behavior: “He’s confused, he’s having a bad time with work / family” etc. Be careful, you are normalizing that this relationship does not give you what you need.
- Personalize the lack of interest: “Actually, I’m the one who’s a bit heavy with Whatsapps and I’m always on the phone.”
- Sometimes it seems like you see the relationship the way it was at times when it made you happy, but you’re not paying attention to the present.
- You change aspects of your personal identity to model yourself on the other person. For example, musical tastes, ways of dressing …
Also, in situations like this we may have conflicting feelings towards this person. He attracts us irremediably, but at the same time “we would kill him”. Such polarized emotions destabilize us and often lead us to make impulsive or wrong decisions. For example, write to him while riding a terrible chicken or riding him in person.
In addition, to women we have been taught that love must be naked and that we cannot do anything to avoid suffering. Romantic love myths hurt us a lot when it comes to relationships. The fear of loneliness doesn’t help either.
What if you are in this situation?
Sure, the first step is to recognize that you are in this dynamic. Recognize that this hasn’t always been the case and ask yourself: do I want this? What am I looking for in a relationship? Instability or stability? Uncertainty or confidence in the future?
Now think of a friend or acquaintance who went through the same thing. If you were there, remember what you said or thought when you saw her in such pain. Suspend your own suffering. It’s just as important, but more important, because it’s yours.
It may be helpful to do decision-making exercises, such as the following. It’s like the typical exercise’s pros and cons, but short and long term every time. Do not neglect anything: the material, the sexual, the emotional …
If you don’t wanna talk to nobody for fear of being judged, that’s fine. But try not to isolate yourself. Your friends are always there. And you can always ask them to refer to behaviors and not to ways of being. Or ask them not to give you their opinion, if all you need is for them to listen to you.
Take the tour alone. If it’s for a few days, that’s better. Be alone you eliminate a lot of mental noise. It can be helpful to start a journal and focus on how you feel rather than the facts.
Give yourself a lot of whims. Like that. Did you know that an attitude changes after a change of action? You can take the test by smiling lightly whenever you feel unwell. You will notice that after a few minutes you start to feel calmer. Change the way you act. Show self-esteem with small, everyday actions. And little by little you will feel it.
Emotional hooks aren’t easy to overcome on your own; if you feel like you need a little help, don’t hesitate to ask for help. In my online therapy sessions, I can teach you tools to make you feel better, as well as support you.