Relationships are not an easy thing. No matter how passionate and passionate they are, there will always be a quarrel among its members. This results in discussions, poorly worded complaints, and misunderstandings that can, in the most extreme cases, turn the relationship into hell that sooner or later will break it down.
Emotional intelligence is a skill set that has become very famous and useful in recent decades, because they help us to have a tighter emotivity, applying it to social relationships.
For this reason, and given its importance, below we will talk about emotional intelligence in relationships, its importance, what emotional overflow is, and ways to improve it.
The importance of emotional intelligence in relationships
Relationships are complex. Its two members each have their own inner world, two universes that must harmonize to give consistency and coherence to the relationship. Couples are two lives trying to be one, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes the emotions weigh too much for everything to run like a Swiss watch, leaving one or two members of the couple feeling overwhelmed.
Making smart use of love ain’t easy. No one has an instruction manual on what to do and what not to do in the couple, because no two couples are alike. This makes sense if one starts from the idea that if each person is different, with their own level of resilience, personal history, and risk and protective factors, so will the couple. Not everything will work to fix all couples, and what worked for one will not help the other.
What you have to understand is that all couples share the same fact: they are not perfect. There will always be discussions, there will be differences of interests, a feeling of loneliness somewhere or misunderstandings. This is why it is so important to have emotional intelligence in these relationships, because this ability, understood as a set of skills, helps to make the couple a healthier and more durable entity over time.
It is having the degree of emotional intelligence and its forms of application that will make discussions, complaints and all the problems that may arise in the domain of the couple be solved, or make their impact less serious. Likewise, having high emotional intelligence means understanding that the relationship is a matter of two, that the couple cannot be expected to come to fruition if only one of the two is involved. The cooperation of both is necessary to be able to move forward without incurable injuries.
The famous importance of emotional intelligence it’s not just about knowing how to manage social relationships. It’s also about empathizing knowing that others have diverse feelings, needs, and perspectives, and our partner is no exception. He or she will need us to listen to him or her, that we feel loved and that we know that we are by his side, that we value him to be on the long road that is our life. Failure to understand this is what causes many relationships to break down.
One of the most important emotional phenomena in understanding why relationships break down is emotional overflow. It is something that, if given, can damage the relationship forever. We understand by emotional overflow the overload of feelings that has not been easily released throughout the relationship. As if we were an espresso maker, these feelings come up more and more, Blowing us up in a very violent way.
Nothing good can be expected from this explosion of emotions. We may say things that we will regret, be extremely sour to our partner, and in response she will “strike back”, hurting us, making the situation worse, or even nothing. Everything that is said in this episode of emotional abuse will be distorted, exaggerated, and due to the heat of the moment, very wrongly withheld in future occasions, when trying to talk about it in a more relaxed manner.
Based on all of this, it becomes clear why emotional overflow is such an important aspect in any relationship. It should be noted that one or both limbs can be very close to explode, and every effort should be made to release this emotionality, Which can cause us to run indoors. If we don’t deal with it, we can cause a lot of damage to our relationship.
How to improve emotional intelligence in the couple?
Understanding the importance of emotional intelligence in a couple and seeing the concept of emotional overflow, we can understand ways to improve this type of intelligence in our romantic relationships.
There are several strategies we can put it into practice to make our relationship healthier, Improve understanding and empathy on both sides, avoid toxic behaviors, and understand that although we may not always agree, we can still talk about things.
1. Express and accept complaints
Complaints are inevitable, because no one is perfect. Each member of the couple will be complaining about the other and would like you to try and do something to improve yourself.
If we have to admit that the world is not perfect and that our partner is not either, he is it is healthy to voice and accept complaints. Of course, always respectfully, calmly and knowing that he will also have complaints from us.
There will always be something we can improve. Practicing active listening, making the effort to find out what our partner would like us to change, and trying as much as possible is a good way to extend the life of the relationship.
As we said, feelings should be expressed sincerely and appropriately, why not there will be an emotional overflow, which will be really damaging to our relationship.
2. Don’t attack the person
It is very easy to pronounce sentences that will directly hurt. It is possible that our partner did it wrong and we are right in telling him, but turning it into an attack is not the best way.
These bile-filled comments come out of us from within and satisfy us in the short term. We release a little (or a lot) of tension. But then this acid it will turn into suffering, distancing, coldness. The relationship will be damaged, sometimes without the possibility of healing, being the direct cause of the breakup.
Any discomfort should be explained out of respect. We must make an effort to express our dissatisfaction with respect and, in case our partner does not do the same, not warm up.
The two members of the couple will not always behave calmly, but it is better if at least one does. Otherwise, the tension will increase, which will worsen even more.
3. Find a common solution
Every couple has needs, problems that will have to be solved. As the couple is a matter of two, the solution must be agreed.
Finding a common, mutually agreed upon and agreed upon solution is a great way to ensure that the relationship stays alive. like that we will both feel listened to and respected, which will save us from blame in the future.
4. Stick to the facts
Our boyfriend or girlfriend will always do something we just don’t like. When commenting, it’s very important to stick to the facts, without exaggerating or generalizing, although we might be right.
Nobody likes to be told that they do it all wrong. It is very important to limit ourselves to reality, to indicate what we did not like without adding unnecessary details or to use expressions such as “you always do …” or “you never do. .. “.
On the other hand, it is very important to understand that he or she will also tell us things that he or she dislikes and may not stick to the facts as much as we would like. Likewise, it is necessary to relativize and indicate that this is not how he says it, but without forgetting to stick to reality.
5. Do you know
To build a good relationship, we must first know each other. It’s not just about developing sufficient emotional intelligence to know how we’re feeling and why.
It is, in addition to that, knowing our limits, what are our insecurities, our fears and our needs. It is only by knowing ourselves that we will be able to know others.
This way we will know what to improve on ourselves and try to be better people for the other party. It’s not about trying to be perfect so that when we tell our partner about our complaints, he can’t “attack” us. It’s about doing our best to be the best version of ourselves for our partner, which will motivate us to do the same.
- Gardner, Howard (2011). Multiple Intelligences: Theory in Practice (1st ed. In the Howard Gardner Library edition). Barcelona: Paidós. ISBN 978-84-493-2594-6.
- Payne, WL (1983/1986). A study of emotion: developing emotional intelligence; self-integration; related to fear, pain and desire. Dissertation Abstracts International, 47, p. 203A
- Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence. Barcelona: Cairo
- Atkinson, BJ (2005). Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy: Advances in Neurobiology and the Science of Intimate Relationships. WW Norton & Co.