The psychology of personal relationships is one of the most confusing facets of our behavior. For example, sometimes people who are learning to enjoy each other’s company to the fullest suddenly distance themselves.
Not because the personality of one of them changed overnight, not because of something someone said or did; simply because of something called fear of compromise.
This fear of the future is one of the types of fear that is not produced by some type of animal or situation that endangers physical integrity, but rather has to do with the anxiety that produces anticipation of an “ unwanted experience ”.
What is the fear of engagement?
The fear of compromise is the more or less irrational fear of a situation that has not happened and has to do withn limit one’s own freedom as a sacrifice to form a bond with another person.
We often associate fear with commitment in the world of relationships, but it can really show up in any situation where the possibility that we are bonded hand in hand in a formal or informal relationship that demands too much of us. is interview.
The basic belief on which this mindset is based is relatively simple: being able to choose between several options, even if it means instability, is better than forging a pact or compromise that limits our freedom of movement.
However, the fear of commitment can be understood by addressing the different pillars on which it is based. They are as follows.
1. A marked individualism
The way of thinking of people prone to fear of commitment is fundamentally individualistic, in the most neutral sense of the term. They don’t need to be selfish or self-centered; they simply value individual needs first, and not so much collective needs. That is why they will hardly show enthusiasm and initiative for a common project which has only just begun; in any case, they will watch with curiosity.
The same goes for relationships; fear of commitment means that the possibility of having a romantic relationship is interpreted, among other things, as a way to dilute one’s identity and to sacrifice time and effort. The couple is not thought of as a unit, but as the sum of two parts.
2. Pessimism in evaluating the future
People who fear constant and systematic engagement tend to believe that every future option that comes before their eyes is doomed to be a bad experience in which the costs and sacrifices to be made will not be made up for. . The problem is not so much that or that a specific undertaking is accepted, but that he refuses in advance to embrace any commitment that limits his freedom in the future.
3. Dichotomous thinking
People who are afraid of commitment see decisions that have to do with reciprocity and pacts as an all-or-nothing issue: either it is part of a relational framework imposed on us by the other person, or it is not accepted. Little thought is given to the possibility of negotiating the beginning and end of his responsibilities and obligations, and it does not even occur to him that this commitment can be adapted to his needs.
That’s why sometimes running away when a sign of commitment appears in the future causes confusion and discomfort, when it doesn’t hurt self-esteem. We often understand that it is not this fictitious idea of what commitment implies that has produced fear in the other, but in oneself, in the specific characteristics of the person.
What to do when faced with this kind of fear?
In the world of business and formal relations, fear of engagement can be reasonably justified if it arises in time; in the end, this may be a sign that the offered offer was simply or was good. What is worrying is that the fear of commitment extends to all facets of life, including love and affection, and consistently and consistently for a long time.
In these cases, couples therapy can be a very desirable solution, because through mediation it is possible to make some very interesting agreements and, at the same time, change the person’s belief patterns to make them less prejudiced. on what it implies.
Other interesting options are cognitive behavioral therapies, aimed at helping the person change their own way of thinking in favor of a more adaptive one. This usually means, among other things, adopting a less individualistic mindset, able to value those experiences which can only be lived intensely if they are understood as the product of two people establishing a relationship, the product is more than the sum of their Components.