How to deal emotionally with infidelity

Infidelity is one of the main reasons for seeing people in couples therapy.. This phenomenon occurs relatively frequently in society and couples increasingly turn to the Psychode Institute for this reason for consultation.

Discover infidelity it can have devastating effects on couples: Trust issues, jealousy, frequent discussions, reproaches, threats of separation, loss of communication, etc. Different relational dynamics are created which destabilize the members of the couple, the couple itself and even the family environment.

    The challenge: overcoming infidelity

    When a couple in this situation asks us for help, the crisis that can arise can even cast doubt on the breakdown of the relationship. Other times, although they are sure they want to stay together, they are unable to come close emotionally. And this is where the professional’s task comes in.

    The psychologist is an expert person, emotionally removed from the problem, the goal is to help rebuild trust in the relationship and the feeling of oneness and bonding that has been shattered by infidelity.

    The couple therapist has an objective view of the problem, does not make moral judgments and does not find the culprits. Analyze the situation and use scientifically proven techniques to help the couple.

      Why are we unfaithful?

      The causes of infidelity are very diverse. In a recent IPSOS survey, among the reasons given by respondents, we find: experience something different from adventureTake revenge on your partner’s previous infidelity, convince yourself that they really want to be with your partner, or ignite the spark in their own relationship.

      But the main reason they cited was “to gain self-confidence”. This is the most important reason people are unfaithful, more common than the boredom of the routine of a stable relationship.

      In our current society, the seduction and taste of others are highly valued. infidelity it covers the need for admiration that many people have. It helps them be more confident and improve their self-esteem.

      The game of seduction catches and hooks the person. At first, the person launches into the game of “wacky”, without thinking that something serious is going to happen. But little by little he sticks to this dose of reinforcement that the other brings him. It’s great to know that he loves and seduces and doesn’t want to stop feeling it, which is why he continues with the game, which is becoming more and more addicting.

      This boost in self-esteem is not only generated by the reciprocity of the other, but is largely believed by oneself. To seduce is to expose the most beautiful part of oneself and this is where we fall into the trap: we cling to the sensation of feeling “seductive”, we get the best of ourselves to captivate the other and then “zas!” The “zas!” love arises, you enchant yourself. It’s a feeling that you had forgotten with your usual partner, because you don’t have to conquer her anymore.

      Latent love issues

      At other times, we find infidelity as a means to an end. That is to say, it is through it, the way in which the person has expressing discomfort in their relationship.

      There are couples who have problems and don’t talk about it, because it seems like “if you don’t talk about it, it’s like they don’t exist”. They distance themselves over time and do nothing to fix it, they get carried away. The fact that one of the two people is unfaithful is usually the starting point to start talking about and solving problems. It would be something like “the bottom” and then resurface.

      These people go to couples therapy and their number one reason for consultation is to overcome infidelity, but that’s just the starting point. When this is done and there is reconciliation, it’s time to start working on all the failed aspects in the couple and that it is they who led one of them to be unfaithful.

        “Can I forgive an infidelity?”

        This is one of the most frequently asked questions of people who have been betrayed when they go to therapy on day one. They say things like, “I would like to forgive, but I don’t know if I will because I always promised myself that I would never forgive something like that.”

        It is normal to have doubts as to whether they will be able to forgive and that everything will be the same as before. infidelity destabilizes the relationship, generates conflictsThis makes you lose confidence in each other and breaks the feeling of togetherness and intimacy. Fortunately, all of this can be recovered with the help of a professional.

        The person who has been deceived feels humiliated, betrayed and helpless in the face of the situation. He usually feels a lot of anger, rage and a feeling of revenge towards the other and believes that these feelings will never change, so he feels that he will not be able to forgive.

        Everyone is able to forgive. Some people forgive easily and others find it more difficult. The ease of forgiveness it is also related to what the “infidel” does to be forgiven, the severity of the infidelity, and how the infidelity was discovered (whether it was something confessed or not). In the clinic we always find obstacles that prevent reunion.

        Go beyond resentment

        One of the key elements of couples therapy is to digest the resentment of the person who felt betrayed, because as long as that emotion is in play, it is difficult to move forward.

        The sessions are not easy. It’s not about saying positive things to ourselves or remembering that we love ourselves and thinking that with that it will be resolved. It is a much deeper and more emotional work, Adjusting beliefs, installing new interpretations to recreate the connection, so that resentment gives way to forgiveness and trust is restored. Each session is different, in some sessions you work with both members of the couple at the same time and with others separately.

        The ultimate goal is to walk together again and for the couple to “reinvent themselves” after this crisis, so that at the end of therapy they both feel that they have not only overcome infidelity, but have healed past wounds. and grew up as people and as a couple.

        From the Psychode Institute, after 12 years of working with couples, we encourage them to discover the benefits of couple therapy before deciding to end their relationship. 90% of couples who come to us manage to save their relationship and are happy to continue together. If you are in such a situation, you will find the coordinates of the Psychode Institute on this link.

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