“I can’t find this person”: 6 causes and solutions

The desire to have a partner, related or not with the intention of starting a family, they are a relatively common cause of concern among people of almost all ages.

It is also very common, although no less unpleasant and stressful, that the problems encountered in finding a suitable person become a cause for concern that produces anxiety or something that generates a sense of hopelessness in people. who see their celibacy as an irremediable destination.

This is usually embodied by the phrase “I can’t find this special person”. How can we deal psychologically with cases where unwanted celibacy generates discomfort and a tendency towards sadness, stress or even depressive symptoms? Below we will see some aspects to consider in these cases.

Why can’t I have a partner? A first step

It should be made clear from the start that whatever we can do to stop the pain of not finding the right partner is very much up to the person affected, because we cannot blame others for not meeting the characteristics we are looking for or not matching our affection.

This, which seems obvious, is something that is often overlooked in times of vulnerability: blaming others very easily, as it allows us to see embodied various issues that plague us and offers a chance to alleviate the discomfort at the expense of that. of the other person.

1. Review the case of people with a partner

The thought of not finding someone special may not only affect singles, but also people who feel estranged from their partner or who think they don’t want her enough. In such cases there are a variety of factors that come into play, which is why we will not discuss these cases in this article.

It is best in these cases to start by establishing a fluid communication with the couple on this subject and, from there, to explore the possibilities together or with the help of professionals.

2. Self-examining

The second point is already a call to action: analyze our own feelings and behaviors to know what is happening to us. There are many ways to experience unwanted celibacy; you may be looking for someone to start a family, or it is also possible that you are looking for a partner due to social pressure, or that you have recently been rejected and this has generated a crisis.

We should not take too many things for granted based on our true motivations and needs. Only this step can be a difficult learning process for people who are not used to introspective self-examination or who are not used to doing activities related to what is sometimes called the emotional intelligence.

3. Work on expectations

Part of the problem of believing that you are not finding the right person to form a partner usually lies in the expectations, which on many occasions they can be deeply shaped by social pressure or even fashion, The film industry and the celebrity world in general.

In these market sectors, it is common to invest a lot of money in the development of image campaigns to ensure that people give the public the best image of themselves, an easily ‘idealizable’ version that , in many cases, does not even define their true self well. However, this is something that we often overlook and which makes we create unrealistic expectations of how people can become 24 hours a day. If we imagine it is normal to be like these young and famous all day long, it kills the tolerance for frustration with the faults of others.

4. Detect isolation signals

People who show similar signs of depression by not finding a partner will be more likely to isolate them more, which can make them feel more alone. Sadness and hopelessness not only make you waste energy doing things like going out to meet people, but it puts us in a loop of thoughts that harms our self-esteem and that makes us think that it is useless to seek company, because no one is going to be interested in us.

When someone makes movements to approach a sad or depressed person, instead of interpreting it as a good sign, it often produces fear or anxiety, or is seen as a sign of pity or ridicule. This leads to a defensive attitude on the wing that nonverbally expresses the idea that one wants to be left alone, which often causes that person to withdraw. This, in turn, is remembered as an unpleasant situation that ended with a return to loneliness, which confirms the idea that one is meant to be alone.

If we have decided that we are genuinely interested in meeting new people, it is important that we try to force ourselves into activities that increase our chances of interacting with third parties, even if we do not feel like doing anything because of it. of our bad mood. . The collaboration of our friends, who usually offer very good emotional support, is very useful for this.

5. Find ways to meet people

This is one of the most obvious steps in finding interesting people, and you should spend some time exploring them all. In the case of the possibility of meeting people on the Internet, it is important to detach from the negative prejudices associated with this form of initial contact that still exist: They’re based on stereotypes of people who have traditionally used computers for entertainment, and besides being based on mistakes and cartoonish versions of reality, they’ve become very old-fashioned.

6. Other love proposals

Finally, there is one thing to note: there is also the possibility of having emotional relationships that are not tied to the couple bonded by traditional romantic love. Polyamory is another form of affectivity that many people find useful.


No matter how much we think “I can’t find this person” this is just a description of the current situation, not a statement of how things should be and how our future will be.

It’s important to break the loop of ideas about sadness and hopelessness that limit our range of motion, and force us to do those activities that we know will make it easier for us to meet more people.

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