“I love you, but I don’t love you anymore”: on the lack of love

Surely, past an age and with a certain maturity and lived experiences, we can all talk about a love that’s over without knowing very well why. It is very easy to find articles on the Internet that talk about suffering, about lack of love, but what is going on with us?

We start from a fact that even today many people find it difficult to accept: love comes and goes to the brain; the heart marks only a few rhythms, and the lack of love follows a logic which goes beyond whether a person has simply ceased to “love -“.

    Love is a habit, an addiction

    There are studies that claim that love is born in the limbic system, i.e. the part of the brain from which our emotions arise. A chemical called phenylethylamine is released, which causes a feeling of euphoria, just as some drugs trigger it.

    Other substances secreted by the levels of the human body are altered with love are dopamine (linked to the learning mechanism), norepinephrine (mainly responsible for speeding up our heart in the presence of the loved one) and serotonin (regulates mood).

    We understand, then, from these alterations, that when we are in love, we are the ones dancing in the air, with a silly smile on our faces and constant ups and downs of humor.

    Alterations have also been detected in the area of ​​perception, which could clarify that we see our partner in an idealized way and that the seeming perfection makes them more special than anyone else.

    But from love to hate, there is only one step … Maybe less. Neurologist Semir Zeki found out in one of his investigations how this happens activation of brain regions themselves during the process of falling in love and hate, causing opposite reactions, yes.

    And the lack of love happens … all of a sudden?

    Investigating a little more into the process of lacking love, it’s hard to find articles that tell us what happens to us when we take the active role, that is, the decision to break up. They all seem to be focused on resuscitating the poor being who was unilaterally abandoned (hint: it’s all about time and attitude).

    By now you’ve probably read that what we mean by ‘falling in love’ lasts about two years (four for those who see the glass half full). The process of lack of love usually doesn’t happen all at once; it is almost always a gradual process as well as painful, and is also the result, in part, of brain activity.

    The brain, over time, makes less and less secretions of all of the chemicals we mentioned earlier, like dopamine. These substances caused us to be alienated (sorry, in love) and see the other perfect person. And little by little they take the handkerchief from our eyes and we can be more “objective” about our partner, See faults more easily and feel negative emotions.

    Suffer this lack of love it doesn’t always lead to a breakup; it can evolve into another type of more solid and objective relationship. To see the other person as they really are, and not as we want them to be, we need enough emotional maturity to be able to live love without false expectations, Unattainable demands and uncontrolled emotions. One of the keys to this process is peer-to-peer communication.

    The brain during the lack of love

    For this evolution of love, there are also studies that show how certain hormones are involved in the brain. This is the case with oxytocin, which acts like alcohol, providing well-being to the segregated being in situations related to affection like a hug, and therefore the couple enjoys intimate moments not so much related to sexuality.

    In the event that the lack of love does not materialize and one opts for the breakup, the brain also undergoes certain changes. Brain scans have been done which show that the heartbroken person shows more activity in the prefrontal region, which is related to personality, decision-making and planning, as long as it is not. not a case of depression. This suggests that the brain is trying to pull a string to make us overcome the bad trance and balance our behavior and emotions.

    It has also been shown that suffers from abstinence syndrome similar to what you suffer from any other medicine; the brain misses these rewarding chemical circuits which are set in motion by “consuming” the presence and affection of the other person and, although it does eventually assimilate it, in principle what it does, it’s yelling at him.

    It is important to understand that people who break up the relationship because they don’t feel what they think they should feel also suffer from the whole process, only that it all happens during the relationship rather than after the breakup.

    What to do when faced with disappointment in love?

    Falling in love and falling in love seems to be out of our controlWhat we can deal with is whether this lack of love is worth taking to another stage of love, or if it is not worth it and needs to be let go. No decision will be completely clear or easy, people are animals of habit, but in the game of love, we must not forget that everything is not worth it and we must become active subjects of our own life and make the right decisions that we have created.

    So fall in love, be loved, break up, come back, become, rejoice, cry and love again, fearlessly, for as Winston Churchill said, “Success is about overcoming failure with” enthusiasm intact. “.

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