Ending a relationship isn’t easy, especially if there doesn’t seem to be an easy reason to put it into words.. But the idea of wanting to do it, of not feeling the same way for the other person, is reason enough to do it.
When the idea of leaving our partner comes to us, there are also fears related to this thought, such as fear of loneliness, pain, regret, change, or not being able to live without the other person. These are common fears that we may have in this situation, but that we must face and manage to pursue the decision if we feel it is the best option.
In this article we will talk about the relationships, what fears can arise from the idea of wanting to end the relationshipand how to approach the breakup.
“I feel like I can’t leave my partner even if I want to”
Any relationship between people implies a need for adaptation between the two, and even more so if it is a relationship, a person with whom we want to share a life project together. It is clear that the road will not always be easy and it is very likely that crisis situations will appear, understood as discrepancies that the couple must overcome to continue to progress.
However, in the same way that it is advisable not to throw in the towel in the face of a first conflict, discussions being normal situations and which can be resolved, Nor is it functional to persist in a relationship when we know it is about to end. and we don’t feel the same for the other person.
Continuing with someone we no longer want to be with is a waste of time for you and the other person, as we remain tied to a relationship that we know will not last and we cannot afford to meet other people and rebuild our lives. Likewise, also we lie to our partner and even to ourselves, since we are not telling him the truth, we are hiding information from him and depriving him of the possibility of deciding what he wants to do. All this generates significant psychological wear and tear that can lead to medium and long-term mental disorders.
Leaving someone is a tough decision because many fears can arise in our mind about those difficult situations that will come with the breakup that we don’t like to think about, but when we have a clear decision making it is the best option we can take; It will be a relief for you and your partner, although it may be painful at first.. In the long run, it will be better for both of us.
Fears related to the departure of our partner
There are many influencing factors, such as how much time you spend together, what cause you want to break up, what time in your life you are in, whether you have property or children in common, and many other factors. which depend on the particular situation. of each one.
To all these variables is added that Feeling we’re emotionally ‘out of gas’ doesn’t mean we don’t want. When we have shared time, experiences, happy moments and loved someone, it is normal that we continue to feel something for that person, but not in the same way we do, a sign that confirms our decision to want to break up.
Many fears can arise when we are contemplating or wanting to end a relationship. A very common fear among people is the fear of change, of something new, break with the usual routine; this feeling is linked to the well-known saying “Better a bad knowledge than a good knowledge”. We cling to something or someone even though we know it, because we don’t want to go on with it, for fear of what may happen or what may happen.
Another common fear is the fear of loneliness; human beings are social animals and as such we need to relate to other people. When we break up with someone we are afraid of not finding anyone else. On the other hand, when we have been together for a long time, imagining ourselves alone makes us uncomfortable, we can think that we will not be well and that we will have a bad time.
Likewise, pain terrifies us; not only to feel it, but also to provoke it. We are aware that breaking up involves a period of discomfort, from feeling pain to loss, and we believe that if we don’t break up we will avoid it, but we are only making this increase and ultimately the pain much more intense .
When we resist performing a key behavior for ourselves, when we are afraid of what might happen when we do it, we we tend to justify our lack of initiative by claiming that the situation will certainly improve. We try to deceive ourselves, waiting for a change “a magic fact” that will never happen.
Being in love with someone, unfortunately, is not something we can control at will, sometimes with pain when the love is not reciprocated. For this reason, it will not serve to force or persist when our feelings are what they are and we cannot change them. The only option is to act in the best possible way to cause the least possible harm to our partner and to ourselves.
The time we have spent with a person can generate in some subjects an emotional dependence, a belief of not being able to live without the other person, not being able to live without. This feeling is very likely to become what we now call a toxic relationship.
Contrary to the beliefs of many people, wanting does not mean needing, because this need can involve continuing with someone even if we no longer want them. We need to be with someone even if we don’t need it.
How to take the leap of breaking up with your partner
When the idea of wanting to end a relationship comes back to us on a recurring basis, it is a warning sign that we cannot ignore. If we notice that our feeling towards our partner has changed, that he is no longer what he was, we must not act as if nothing had happened, pretend that this thought does not exist, because in this way we we can only prolong a situation that most likely ends badly.
Given the idea of ending the relationship, we have to face it and ask ourselves why this thought, trying to pay more attention to how we feel, what we notice when we are with our partner, how we would feel if we weren’t together anymore, if there is a possibility of improvement… Questions that will help us to say and see more clearly if ending the relationship is the best option. To do this, he can help you fill in an emotion diary, which is a very useful tool for self-knowledge.
If you see that the idea of breaking up persists and most of the answers to the questions you ask confirm this idea, you need to talk to your partner about it. Communication is one of the foundations of the relationship; without it, it is difficult to know how the other is feeling or what ideas they have and we will not be able to express ourselves, and it will be impossible to resolve any differences or crises that may arise. In other words, we will not be able to progress and the relationship will surely not end well.
Communication is the best tool both when the couple is going well and when things are going badly. This is why he chooses in advance a time and a place to have such a difficult conversation, and put it on the agenda so it’s harder for you to put it off by making excuses.
Tell your partner how you feel, share the situation, also allow him to give his opinion. You may think that bringing up the idea of breaking up will hurt the other person, and it’s true that it’s almost never a pleasant situation, but it’s the only way to be honest with them and give them a chance to decide. As we have seen, we give ourselves the freedom to act, to be aware of the circumstances and to stop living a lie.
Now communication is important and necessary in this situation, but It shouldn’t change our minds if we don’t really feel it. In other words, when we talk to our partner, the fear of pain can be confirmed, we see how the other is having a bad time, and we also feel concerned, but this fear should not slow down our decision. Continuing with someone to please them and prevent them from suffering will only mean more suffering for them and for us.
We also need to stand firm in our decision if, after talking and reflecting on ourselves, we have finally assessed the breakup as the best option. It is important to continue and stay strong despite the circumstances that may arise. The rupture implies a loss and as such we have to go through a period of duelingthis way you will both need some time, more or less, to get used to the new life without the other.
Ending a relationship is a difficult situation to deal with, and it can be scary, but it should make us more afraid to stay with someone we are no longer happy with. We must consider that it is much more painful to agree to live a lie. As we have seen, we deprive the other of the possibility and freedom to rebuild their life and find happiness, just as we deprive ourselves of falling in love again.
- García, DF (2014) Narration of the duel in the romantic breakup. Ajayu. Organ of scientific diffusion of the Department of Psychology of the Bolivian Catholic University “San Pablo”.
- Ramos, B. (2016) Mourning a Breakup. A proposal to understand and deal with this type of mourning. Psychopedia.
- Shimek, C. and Bello, R. (2014) Coping with Breakups: Rebounding Relationships and Gender Socialization. Social Sciences.