The belief that love is made of commitments, Pacts that we establish with the person we love in order to give stability to the relationship. It is normal and healthy; after all, if someone cares about us, the natural thing is that we give them assurances that the emotional connection exists and we take it seriously. Word of mouth is very easy and what matters are the facts.
However, not everyone manages to define the nature of the commitment that must exist in their relationship. In some cases, the purpose of this type of agreement is confused, and instead of being a way to solidify the relationship, it becomes the goal, which gives it meaning. In other words, it is: it becomes a constant demonstration of sacrifice and the degree to which we are willing to suffer for the loved one.
This belief, which, explained in this way seems absurd, is more common than one might think. In fact, it is the pillar on which the traditional conception of romantic love rests. How to recognize these moments when one confuses reasonable sacrifices with the sole intention of whipping oneself?
Love and sacrifices
Let’s face it: falling in love does not come for free. Right from the start, it opens up the possibility that we are in great pain for the other person, even before that feeling is reciprocated (and even when it isn’t going to be reciprocated).
When the love affair is consolidated, the possibility of going through difficult times is still very close: anything that has to do with moving away from that person for a long time, or seeing them go wrong, is something that produces obvious discomfort. In addition, for the coexistence of the two lovers to take place, it is also necessary to give in to a lot of things.
Perhaps this is why, because romantic relationships are not characterized by comfort but by intensity, some people unconsciously decide to add even more intensity through suffering, which is the easiest way. to be felt.
And it is mixing this minimum of discomfort that produces relationships with the possibility of add huge amounts of discomfort caused by ourselves it is expressly a way of making this love story a little more meaningful, more justified.
Of course, this tendency to make love which is synonymous with sacrifice is totally toxic, even if the first person experience is difficult to see. Unfortunately, this logic fits very well with old ideas about marriage, so it often happens indecently because we assume it’s a normal thing. Why is this happening?
The origins of sacrifice: the family
In psychology, there is very little that is unrelated to context, and love is no exception. Love is not something that just pops up in our brain when we see another person: it is a consequence of how many generations who have lived before us have learned to deal with those intense emotional bonds that they are born. falling in love. And, for most people, this way of dealing with this emotion it has to do with marriage: A way to manage resources and organize people who think of a small community.
In practice, love had to be experienced in a way that went hand in hand with the state of mind needed to support the family, and this has to do with personal sacrifice. Until very recently, with scarce resources, anything that could be done for the well-being of others was justified and welcome. The rare was not give in to everything in favor of the family, But live as an autonomous and free people.
When two things always happen at the same time, they tend to be indistinguishable, and that’s what happened with love and sacrifice. If we add to this that the predominant masculinity made the wife property of the husband, so that he had to look after her and she had to do whatever the lord of the house wanted, the result not strange. to anyone: the normalization of emotionally dependent relationships. After all, most of the time our emotions accompany our actions, and so does the need to constantly sacrifice yourself for one another.
Common efforts, not punishments
The patriarchal model of coexistence has long been the target of all kinds of criticism, and for the first time it is possible to live without depending on the family unit. There is no longer an excuse to experience love as autonomous and self-sufficient people, which means making sacrifices shifting from the engine of emotional relationships to a consequence of making reasonable commitments, With a pragmatic sense. The opposite would fall into the trap of dependence.