Personal relationships and emotional ties change over time. Many times this means achieving a greater degree of understanding and intimacy, but in others, the passing of the years only accentuates the intensity of entrenched conflicts.
The marital crisis is the consequence of many of these processes: a moment when the relationship stagnates and one or two members of the couple feel that the marriage has lost its raison d’être.
Understanding marital crises
While everything about marital seizures seems to relate to emotions (and, in a way, it is), in this emotional cyclone there is a logic. These 5 keys allow us to better understand what is behind these stages of stagnation.
1. When idealization fades
Our brain likes our thoughts to match our emotions well. This is why, in the first steps of a relationship, excitement and sentimental frenzy are accompanied by beliefs about the loved one in which they appear idealized. All those aspects of our partner that we don’t know are fulfilled by our imagination with an exceptionally optimistic version of his personality and abilities.
In short, during the first moments our vision of this person is very biased and affected by the neurochemical and hormonal imbalances produced by the drugs of falling in love. However, over time, the other person’s realistic story gains traction, as more and more of their facets are known. This process is very rapid during the first few months of the relationship, but it can also last for years and enter the marriage phase.
The marital crisis can be understood as the moment when the veil of idealization falls.
2. Personal development
Marital relationships tend to last a long time and change over time. This means that a marital crisis should never show that the marriage was not founded. It can also simply mean that one or both members have changed to become completely different people, either because of their biological maturation or because of how their experiences have changed them.
Moreover, this process of change does not always have to match the personalities of the two people; in fact, they can become antagonists.
3. The Marriage Crisis Is Not Equal To Talks
The evil of marital crises does not essentially boil down to the emergence of constant discussions and arguments. What defines these stages is apathy and emotional stagnation, which may or may not be accompanied by discussion.
A marriage is not maintained only by the feeling of reciprocal love that a couple feels. There are also many other more objective elements that keep the union together: the usual coexistence with the children, the circle of friends in common, the fact of living in the same house …
In short, there are times when the marital crisis is only a symptom that a relationship in which love has ended is still “alive” being, in fact, dead, supported only by the objective elements that surround it and that in theory they are accessories.
5. The difficulty of finding a way out
In marital crises, it is very difficult to start looking for a satisfactory outcome, due to several factors.
On the one hand, this would involve dealing with a series of problems that would greatly disrupt everyday life: Move to another house, undergo couples therapy, etc.
On the other hand, seeking help through partner therapy would involve facing one’s own responsibilities in past conflicts, which not everyone is willing to do, as it would involve showing a vulnerability to the other.