My son is killing my relationship!

Que alegría da cuando after so much waiting or searching, finally we have found that word that nothing else can name, fills our mouths and shrinks our hearts, the word “love”.

Once the relationship has been formalized and passed through the three vertices of the Sternberg triangle (intimacy, passion and commitment), with more or less success, we feel that everything is going according to our desires (or at least that’s what we want to believe).

So what happens when we decide to add one more variant to the equation of our love? That is, when we decide to transform a simple equation of the first degree into a more complex equation of the second degree, thus complicating the unsolved problems with our partner, as well as joining them to the new ones, which of course involves take care of a little person newly arrived in this world and who puts “patas arriba”, all our planning and idea of ​​control that we had until this moment.

What to do when you feel overwhelmed, when this famous equilateral triangle of Sternberg collapses: you lose intimacy with your partner (or your desire for her) and/or you decide not to follow through on the commitment and/ or passion gives off a great shine because of its absence?

    Stages up to paternity/maternity

    Let’s go back in time to the exact moment when you see your partner for the first time, or better, the moment when we feel that twinge in our hearts and we start to see this person in a different way than the way we saw them. until then.

    Later, when we think the relationship can improve and we decide to go live together or get married or both, life starts to be fantastic, saving that little big cliff like coexistence itself. Once we have adapted to each other, in the best possible way, we continue to enjoy the relationship.

    We have our personal space, our space for the couple, sex as if it were a plate of beans with chorizo, we savor it when we feel like it. We plan which day to go to the cinema, outings with friends, our weekend getaways, our vacations and even where to spend New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Eve. We believe that life is wonderful and that we are in heaven, and that nothing and no one can darken this moment of the relationship in which we find ourselves.

    This phase is characterized by passion and the active search for intimacy. con nuestra pareja and there also seems to be something reciprocal on the other side.

    Like a video game… Go to the next screen

    There comes a time when, after some time in the previous phase (perhaps months or years), one of the two (usually her) or both decides, or they decide, to pass things on to another level: break the monotony, move to the next screen, in the form of increasing the number of the family unit with a small rod. The commitment to the partner is strong at this stage.

    It may also be that the decision to increase the family members is taken because, after the previous phase, they realize (one or both of them) of the deterioration of the relationship and think (the one or both) that the solution is to have a baby; for it will be the glue that will hold together the broken pieces that coexistence and monotony have caused.

    It can happen that it is an unforeseen accident and suddenly, everything changes, everything was a “bug” in the video game and this “bug” takes us to the next screen, without having prepared ourselves for this new level more difficult than the one in which we have been inexorably drawn.

    Anyway, the pregnancy continues normally, everything is fine inside the pregnant woman, thank God. Outside the womb, even with typical first-time parent fears, you walk as best you can through the stages of the relationship, more or less arguing, but moving forward.

      Good morning! I’m Chaos personified and I’ve come to stay

      Finally, the day of delivery arrives, we have this little person in our arms. We are very scared, but it is also the best day of our lives.

      The non-pregnant couple attended the birth and saw the mother-to-be in pain, screaming, crying, sweating. She experienced all of this pain of childbirth and healing in the first person, bringing her pain to the forefront through the meaning that bringing and meeting her son gave her.

      Over time we see how each time we have less time for ourselveswe don’t have time for our little daily pleasures, nor for our little pleasures as a couple.

      We lose intimacy, not having the possibility of carrying out the activities that we used to do with our partner (such as the cinema, going out, sex…).

      We can observe here, how in an inversely disproportionate way, the reproaches, arguments and cries, among others, with the couple, multiply, and all this with a background melody in the form of continuous tears at times and intermittent at times. irregular intervals (which is more frustrating), on other occasions.

      Our idea of ​​control, the planning we had in mind before our baby arrived was messed upwe feel overwhelmed, we no longer know what to do, we are more irritable, everything bothers us more.

        Why does this happen?

        Having a child involves a myriad of responsibilities that a person is not ready for, especially as a first-time parent. Counting on the support of the partner is something very important, because to paraphrase Donal Winnicott, the physical and psychological support (dress) of the pregnant mother to the child is very important, but the support of the other part of the couple so is mother. , so that she can better play the role of support for the child.

        This is usually where these problems arise which can end up triggering, among other things, the renunciation of continuing to maintain this relationship as a coupleor maintain it, but look for parallel relationships, and a long etcetera that do nothing more than add another nail to the relationship coffin.

        The care of this little person who came into the world by mutual agreement between the couple already causes great tension in the relationship: the sharing of the responsibilities of the new member of the family and household chores, the lack of sleep, the increased tiredness…

        This type of wear, if it occurs in pairs, as if it were a boat, which was already losing water on several sides, if we include this large weight, it will cause it to sink easier.

        When one of the two was the one who wanted to have the baby, it is more likely that scolding, passive-aggressive responses will arise and eventually explode into constant shouting and arguing; for all this is well sprinkled with water in the form of constant cries and demands of the small child to the future motherwhich only further undermines this already strained relationship.

        The same thing happens when you are trying to mend a relationship that has broken down and you have a child with the intention of keeping busy and thus forgetting the usual talks. What usually happens here? Because these problems that the couple “forgets” get “tangled up” as if it were a tumor, and in the end, the relationship ends up being mortally wounded (if it wasn’t already the case before to decide to become pregnant); exploding like an erupting volcano, shouting in his face, insulting each other in anger, and all this in the presence of the child who, although he does not understand, feels the energy that these discussions give off and affects his development, among others.

        And now?

        The fundamental thing to keep in mind, for a relationship to work, is that there is good communication, talk about any difficulties and/or problemshelp each other and trust each other.

        Find something that satisfies you and helps you let off steam, in order to reduce the level of stress and saturation caused by stress (drink a coffee with friends, buy something you like…), find something to do as a couple to strengthen our relationship, growing intimacy, because it is the one that takes the biggest hits day by day and it is necessary to strengthen it so that it can easily withstand the onslaught of parenthood/maternity (enjoying a movie together, eating out, etc.).

        It would be very good not to fall into the error of canceling each other out and “drying up” the couple relationship, all for the good of the child, because what is achieved here is to grow a malaise that ends up turning against the child.

        It ends up empowering that person and blaming them for not having time for themselves., nor to do anything as a couple. This repudiation has increased with the passage of time within us, when the responsibility is ours at all times when we decide to step back and put the little ones first.

        The healthiest, once the stem’s basic needs are covered, is look for our little pleasures that help us “breathe” and face the next day with strength and resistancewithout seeing us each time with less strength and feeling like “zombies” in life.

        That’s why you have to pamper yourself, and water the couple’s relationship like you water a plant, without all of this having to be done to the detriment of childcare.

        Recommendations

        As I mentioned, finding something that helps you enjoy and disconnect from your relationship is essential: relaxation techniques, increased communication in the couple, resolution of parental conflicts effectively and efficiently…

        If you feel you can’t or don’t know how to compromise or compromise between your partner, if you don’t know how to get intimate with your partner again, or if you don’t know how to do any of the things mentioned in beginning of this section, go to a professional is a highly recommended alternative.

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