The high psychological cost of giving too much for a relationship

When asked to baptize what it feels like to experience love, most of us say, with good reason, that it is something that goes far beyond words.

Falling in love comes with a hormonal torrent, And in a way, our brain reacts as if we were consuming a drug every time that designated person is nearby.

But in the basics of relationships, there is not just a cascade of hormones: there are, in addition, expectations. It is a component of emotional life that can be expressed in words, as they are simple ideas of how a court is or should be.

However, although we are in the realm of words, we often ignore our own expectations, and this is precisely what can cause them to become a mental trap. And is that expectations can turn us into slaves of our own relationship, to the point where the person who gives without receiving is always us.

    Asymmetric relations and their effects

    Before we understand the role that expectations play in all of this, we can stop to see what makes it. striving too hard for a relationship cause so much discomfort.

    If anything characterizes asymmetric relationships, that is, those in which it is always the same person who strives and sacrifices himself, it is a mixture of fatigue, stress and helplessness. Fatigue is due to the fact that, materially and psychologically, making the relationship ‘work’ is up to us. There is no one by our side in an experience which, paradoxically, has its raison d’être in the act of sharing something exciting.

    This not only means that we will make efforts to cope with difficult situations, but it will also be up to us at any time to decide which decision to take, to choose the less bad option. because this courtyard a little further without having solved the underlying problem and knowing that it will reappear sooner or later. It is the latter that generates stress: the anticipatory anxiety of knowing that we have only achieved momentary relief.

    Helplessness goes hand in hand with despairAnd there is a paradox in them: the expectations that cause these sensations are, at the same time, the lens through which we examine our love problem to see if we can find a way out.

      Why expectations can create an emotional slowdown

      To understand the psychological impact of giving your all for a relationship, you need to understand that the expectations regarding a courtship will always be there. Having beliefs about what such a commitment will or should be allows us to make sense of it, pointing in one direction. This means that the asymmetrical relationships in which someone is constantly sacrificing themselves for the other person does not arise simply because of the existence of these expectations.

      So how did the problem arise? People who bet too much on a relationship do so in part to have a value system in which pure sacrifice is considered a good and worthy thing. From this point of view, situations of constant exploitation and abuse of power by our partner not only do not warn us that we are in a toxic relationship, but also give more reasons to keep sacrificing for her, to keep going. to test this capacity for sacrifice. without giving in to adversity.

      In these tricky relationships, the problem is that the long history of personal sacrifice made to make the relationship work is a reason to keep doing it indefinitely. It’s a loop, A phenomenon in which the causes of this constant commitment in the relationship are, at the same time, the effect of continuing to do so at the expense of our health.

      Why do we sacrifice ourselves in this way for the relationship?

      We have already seen that the asymmetrical relationships in which one person gives everything and the other hardly strives is due in large part to the effect that certain expectations have on us: precisely, the expectation of move forward despite adversity so that they emerge, whatever they are, and without thinking too much about their anticipation.

      But … what psychological mechanisms explain why we can behave in such absurd ways in one of the most important areas of our life? It is essentially a “cognitive dissonance”.

      Cognitive dissonance and sacrifices that never end

      Cognitive dissonance is a feeling of discomfort that appears when we have it in mind two conflicting ideas or beliefs and to which we attach importance. To make this feeling unpleasant (and it can become an obsession that constantly grabs our attention), one idea has to “win” the other.

      However, this battle of beliefs it almost never ends with the use of reason. In fact, we usually do “nyaps” to make cognitive dissonance go away.

      For example, in the case of asymmetric relationships, these ideas are usually the following:

      • Real relationships don’t end and you have to sacrifice yourself for them.
      • This discomfort that the relationship causes me is preventable.

      In this struggle of beliefs, we could say that the second option is more attractive because it offers a way out and is linked to a feeling of well-being. And yet, many people go with the former. Because? Because it is she who does that our beliefs and our vision of things weaken less.

      If we assume that a relationship in which another person is not playing their part is not a suitable relationship for us, we would have to face a lot of cognitive dissonances, as our self-image would have been greatly affected: it would be shown that this sacrifice for something you have trained part of one’s own identity doesn’t make sense and we need to build a new outlook on things that makes us feel good about ourselves and about our decisions.

        The sooner it is cut, the better

        This is why it is important to identify the situations in which our expectations act as a prison for our emotional life.

        While relationships are one thing for more than one person, cognitive dissonance let’s be the ones who boycott each other, Transform the discomfort caused by unhealthy expectations into a reason to continue to capitalize on this source of discomfort.

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