We experience love automatically. We get in and out of relationships without giving ourselves the chance to love in our own version of a healthy, happy couple..
But learning from our relationship mistakes allows us to build and rebuild on what was not working or not working. We withdraw before attempting the challenge of being able to be happy together.
Ups and downs in relationships
Literature is full of unhappy loves. In these few words, Gabriel García Márquez vividly expresses the physical and mental feeling of lack of love.
The progressive absence of your interest in me, the progressive lack of your “hello”, the selfish choice of your distance, were what determined that it was not necessary to go to Macondo, it was enough to kiss your lips to feel……One hundred years of loneliness”.
But how many unhappy loves are just misunderstood, or the effects of the “virus” of alexithymia. The result of not being able to realize our own feelings is that we are unable to connect with them. How often do we forget the details of the beginnings of the relationship when everything was new and unfamiliar, when newness nourishes love. So he blames himself for the heat of the years and the fact that his passion seems to be fading.
A stable relationship over time is subject to change, and you have to endure occasional misfortunes. Problems with families, work, bereavement, fear of the future, children, are some of the reasons why a couple can deteriorate, so slowly that it is not even perceived. When it comes to therapy due to dysfunctional bonds, or when we wonder if the relationship is working well, some of that is already rolling.
Put yourself in the perspective of the other
It is essential to clarify what idea of the relationship does each member have. Sometimes these are ideal concepts, impossible to achieve in the real world. Couples who work and are happy, this second condition is often not taken into account, and we are left with “it works”, are made up of real people, imperfect and often do not know how to love each other.
Each understands or understands being loved under certain characteristics, actions or gestures, which the other even after a long time does not end up knowing. We hope they will guess us and value a quality that is valid only in our first years of life.when we are unable to formulate clearly what makes us happy or how we would like to be loved.
love as a process
Love is a construction, and sometimes it has to be built on rubble. Not bad. Trust in mutual love takes time, and it involves walking winding roads. Learning to relate to those we love from another place, after seeing it fail, takes courage and desire.. Many give up when it is really time to prove through actions and gestures that this person is important to us and worth it.
We can ask for help or turn to someone who objectively clarifies the potential of this relationship. Being involved in such a relationship clouds our vision and emotions. It is clear that there are relationships that are better left aside and that cause us to think that what we want to do is clearly healthy. It’s easy getting caught up in ego or pride into believing that giving in is a weakness. And it is convenient to review how good we are and how good the situation we are living in is doing us.
When we rejoice in the existence of the other in our lives, when their good makes us happy, knowing that the days are not all the same and that some will be better than others, when we understand that arguing is not a problem, that the important thing is the form and from where we do it, we understand that disagreements are to resolve them and live better.
Accountability is key
We don’t have to live together, and you can be really alone. But if we decide to go this route, we must know that the key word is construction and empathy and if we want to reduce it to one, we can say that this word is responsibility. Responsibility in love does not mean obligation, but contract, pact, agreement. It is knowing the other with his virtues and his faults and still loving him.
The concept of responsibility is important both in taking charge of the relationship and when something happens. When a couple is in crisis, that’s when you have to know and use your resources. Paradoxically, Many crises emerge when the couple is going through (or is about to go through) very good times. Crises do not always happen in adversity, we can also expect it with the arrival of a good series, new jobs, children in case they want them…
Changes of accommodation, for example, create situations of tension: they occur in couples who, being at the gates of a different reality, the process becomes unknown to them. Other times the couple evolves towards a new moment when the magic and this moment of falling in love cease to be with the same intensity to enter another stage where the fantasy ceases to be the support of the link. There are many reasons, everyone has their own, and that’s what it’s all about, knowing and healing.
Looking elsewhere does not seem to be a good formula when problems or crises arise in the couple; Addressing these issues can lead to deep, loving, and lasting relationships.. Obviously, with its changes along the way.
Loves that are not dependent, but responsible for the union, where each can feed and be reflected in the other without getting lost. Respect differences and private spaces, indoors and outdoors. Understanding that by accepting the other I take for granted his good intentions, his absence of evil (at least intentionally) allows me to experience that living together is not easy and learning to know each other either, because everything throughout life we will change.
Accompanying us and not ignoring us in this process is enriching. Anything you do for the well-being of those you love will do you good, and anything you do for yourself is bound to have an impact on both of you. When love is established in the bond, fidelity is a consequence.