Unmarried couples?

Many patients come to me for ‘consuming information’ on the web, through psychological messages and memes, about supposedly true information about couple relations. These are ideas, concepts, and images that go viral or are reproduced en masse via social media, blogs, emails, and person-to-person.

On many occasions, these units of information that are shared en masse on social media talk about experiences that theoretically happen to many people, raising doubts as to whether this also happens to us without our realizing it. . In some cases, it triggers alarms in certain homes, and leads to reflection … Should we consult specialists?

Academic concepts appear in popular knowledge, loose, decontextualized and with blunt force: “This is what is happening to me!” “He’s my partner!” “What we are doing is toxic!” “Science” says it, “specialists” explain it. We put symptoms, standardized diagnoses and of course effective treatments at your fingertips. Once the poison of “wisdom” is instilled, it stings and an antidote is sought.

    The decision to go to couples therapy

    The decision to start couples therapy is in most cases made during registration. communication errors, project incompatibilities, differences perceived as irreconcilable, mistrust, Feelings of loneliness and lack of love. Fights, silences, distancing appear, at the same time as the sexual desire decreases or disappears.

    The problem is, there are too many antidotes and all have a promise of healing or salvation. The question arises as to which one will be the best, the only one capable of freeing us from this disorder, this toxic relationship, abuse and emotional dependence. We need to decide which one is right for us, which will help us “save” the couple or resolve our conflicts.

    It is perfectly understandable that we seek alternative solutions when sadness gains ground, strengths weaken, answers seem exhausted by so much use. But we must make the effort to explain in our own words the problem that affects us. A serious mistake is made when the conflict is reduced by applying a “psi” lexicon or by alluding to uncertain hormonal or neuronal disorders.

    Speaking in psychiatric or psychological terminology does not helpOn the contrary, it opens with a denomination, which could be said in a unique and particular way in the words of the consultant. If professionals respond by quickly accepting this knowledge brought to consultation, we would validate the diagnoses of other people and we would be subject to offering the corresponding treatment. This is usually achieved by the medical model (disease / treatment), but with the singularity of the subject (one by one) it does not work the same.

    Finding the causes of the problem

    Psychoanalysts have a reputation for listening and not rushing to get answers. it will be because to analyze is to think in detail, to reflect, to break down into its parts to obtain causes and effects. The challenge is to get across the saying “it’s toxic, it’s jealously obsessed, it manipulates me, etc.”. at the request of each. This is why we need a time of commitment and acceptance of the possibilities within our reach. Knowing as much as possible gives us an idea of ​​the appropriate value for our situation.

    Humans depend on others. The first nutritional and personal care functions are performed by adults called mothers, fathers, grandparents, etc. Throughout life, we learn to live, to communicate through our loved ones, family, school and / or sport. They “love” us with their teachings, their advice, their warnings and they encourage us to respond with good behavior, effort and success, among other things. We are the result of their beliefs, traditions, fears and expectations.

    When you reach adulthood, the choice. Culture allows meeting (bond / marriage / sexual union) with someone outside of our “tribe” (no blood relationship / prohibition of incest) to build a bond where you can unite the sexual stream or erotic with tender or love in one person. We will call this lucky one “My partner”.

    At best, he’s reached this stage we will have a fairly precise idea of ​​the type of link we want to have with another. How they should take care of us, respect us, accompany us, tolerate us and support us. In other words, there is an idea of ​​what we are ready to give and what we want to receive. Reciprocity, correspondence, equality are terms we use to build serious and lasting relationships.

    See reflected in the mirror of the relationship

    What we are (or believe we are) is reflected in the way we “give” to another: “I toast, I open, I suffer, I give up when you don’t.” What we receive is perceived differently, it can be overestimated or underestimated and in comparison doubts arise about the values. Who do you like the most? Or who does better? I listen to him, I understand that he / she should … If I care that much at least … If I digress then I hope …

    Absolute parity, equality or fairness between two different people (it is not a question of gender) is an impossibility for humans to rationalize but not to elaborate. Convenience is the order of the day. What do I get if I am with this person? Will I be able to count on her in the future? What about the children?

    Couples therapy is research. The analyst circulates the “communication” and can help each member discover the effect of their words, reactions and gestures, while promoting understanding by connecting the past to the present and recognizing covenants and fantasies. The aim is to promote safety and empathy so that they can observe what is happening to them in a different way.

    This implies an openness to the exploration of the particular attachment relationships that come into play in the relationship by facilitating the processing, regulation and integration of the emotions that are activated in it. Without the desire and commitment to make a problematic relationship more enjoyable, or to understand more gently for both of them what bothers them in the relationship, in order to be able to make changes in that regard, it seems an unsustainable business to offer therapy. of pair, being then recommended the individual approach.

    It often happens that the personal or intrapsychic conflict of one of the members interferes with or hinders the relationship.. Although they are both in therapy, it is common for them to be cited separately in order to resolve personal issues. Likewise, in joint sessions, respecting each other’s needs is prioritized, identifying the problem and finding solutions to deal with it and become stronger once we have overcome it is encouraged.

    It is important to note that most couples who come to the consultation think that it is worth finding the solution and fighting for the relationship.

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