Why doesn’t he want to be with me but say he loves me?

Among the most common complaints among those who undergo therapy for emotional problems, there is one that is based on a contradiction: “He doesn’t want to be with me but says he loves me”.

This is a relatively common problem that goes beyond a simple miscommunication, and engages the interests of the person who says “I love you” first and of the person who suffers the consequences of this incongruity.

In this article, we will see what are the most common causes for a person to directly express their love for another and at the same time not want to form a couple, start a relationship or anything like that. Outraged, we will go through various recommendations and tips on what to do.

    He doesn’t want to be with me but says he loves me – why is this happening?

    In the world of personal relationships, contradictions are usual. Misunderstandings are extremely common and we often fall into deceptions which in turn are raised almost unintentionally.

    If we focus on romantic relationships, these inconsistencies don’t just cause discomfort; in addition, they are capable of generating dramatic situations.

    In fact, they can cause frustration with lack of love, a feeling for which there is an unresolved tension that makes us suffer from not being able to be with that person and at the same time allows us to become more easily obsessed with it. the possibility of starting a marriage., because apparently there are chances to achieve it.

    This combination between the refusal to commit and the hope that in the future the other person if they want to have something with us generates an ambivalence capable of generating a lot of insecurity, anxiety and discomfort. in general, because it leads one to wonder what it is. is what fails.

    Now let’s see why it can happen that someone says they want you but at the same time he refuses to be with you and does not want to make a strong emotional connection.

    1. He doesn’t want you to take him for granted

    Another reason someone may claim to want others is because they don’t know how to turn down offers because of fear that hurts other people’s feelings.

    In these cases an “I love you but I don’t want to be with you” it’s a way not to dry up the hopes of the other, Insinuating that what really exists is diffuse love that shouldn’t materialize at the start of a romantic or couple romance.

    2. He wants to dominate

    When someone tells another person that they want them but don’t want to be their partner or meaningfully engage with them, they may do so by thinking of dominating the other by hinting that there is a possibility of seduction. this “I love you” indicates that there is reason to hope.

    As a result, only two words can make someone offer special help and protection to the other, by giving him the opportunity to fantasize about the idea of ​​being together.

    There is not always this intention, but in some cases it can be the main reason it is done, so we can talk about sowing knowing that there is no truth in these words.

    3. He’s in a complicated situation

    There may be circumstances where the other person is interested in dating you. Personal circumstances outside of your friendship they can prevent you from being ready to have a serious partner.

    4. He has a very open definition of love

    We must not forget that for love, not everyone understands the concept of romantic love which is most common in relationships both in court and in marriage.

    When someone tells you that they love you but don’t want to be with you, they are actually saying how they feel about you. does not match what is generally considered a couple the bond is romantic love, A type of loving union which has its advantages but also its disadvantages.

    What to do when someone says what they want but doesn’t want to be with you

    When faced with these cases, the best thing to do is to find out first whether the person is playing with our feelings or not, and once that is done, follow one course of action or another. Let’s see.

    1. Know if this is playing with your feelings or not.

    The first thing to do is stop and see if you really care about the other person or if you are just interested in submitting. manipulate your emotions.

    To do this, stop and try to analyze what’s going on from a distant and objective point of view: does he care about you? Are you interested in knowing yourself and remembering information about yourself and your life? In general, these questions should already be able to be answered, because anyone who doesn’t hear anything from someone doesn’t bother to look at these details and remember them.

    In case you can clearly see that he is playing with youYou already have the solution: cut your relationship with this person, because they are trying to create a toxic relationship based on emotional dependence.

    If what is happening is not that and yes, there is reason to believe that you are an important person to her or at least that she doesn’t know what her feelings are towards you, keep reading.

      2. Speak to clarify your feelings.

      Communication is the big undervalued in these kinds of issues, but really through dialogue such an awkward situation can be completely resolved.

      Together try to name what is happening. Talk about your expectations of each other, how you would like your relationship to be and how you would not like it to be. It is not mandatory to be compatible in this area; it’s just a matter of talking about it to find out what’s going on, and you have to do it without prejudging the other and without making them feel guilty about what they feel.

      3. Decide if you agree, and if you disagree, move on.

      Once you have all the relevant information about how the person you love is feeling and how their intentions match yours, take a decision and unless something happens that gives you significant reasons to change your mind, be consistent with it.

      Conclusion: end uncertainty and tensions

      As we have seen, the most important thing is to solve the mystery of what the other person wants, see if this is compatible with what you want and choose to continue investing in this relationship, or better to reduce it.

      When someone complains about approaches like “he says he wants me but doesn’t want to be with you” what he really reveals is the frustration caused by the ambiguity in what he is saying. other and the tension generated by not knowing what to do. By eliminating this uncertainty, virtually everything will be resolved over time; also possible without love.

      Bibliographical references:

      • Colin, VA (1996). Human attachment. Philadelphia: Temple University Press.
      • Panksepp J., Nelson, E., Bekkedal M. (1997). “Brain Systems for Mediating Separation Anxiety and Social Reward”. Annals New York Academy of Sciences. 807: 78-100.

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