Why trying to make yourself love again is not the solution

The idea that every person is an island has long gained momentum in our society. People are born, develop a range of skills and interests, and try to live the best they can through them. But this philosophy of life, which is of course only a simplification of what is really happening, explodes into a thousand pieces. when love comes into the picture.

In a healthy relationship, love makes us wonder where our own interests end and the other person’s interests end. This logic is exciting and captivating, because sharing existence on a very intimate level makes sense of what happens to us and what we do. But if the case arises in which the break-up or the lack of love appears, it turns against us: it appears the almost enslaving need of the other person to love us again.

    How do I get someone to love me again? The trick question

    Looking at things from a certain point of view, it makes sense that if before we thought we were living immersed in some sort of superorganism made up of two people, when they left the rest of the relationship, try re-attract those who have decided to leave. Since in theory a very intense emotional bond can cause a couple to become more than the sum of two individuals, once that bond is formed there is no turning back.

    However, this way of looking at relationships, and in particular couple relationships, is detrimental. Because? Below we’ll see, along with some recommendations on what would be handy to do.

    1. It prevents us from seeing the areas in which we can improve.

    Sometimes emotional breakdowns between two people are caused by purely subjective aspects, such as the inability to cope with a traumatic event experienced with another person (loss of a child, contracting an illness, etc.). But at other times, the phenomenon is linked to a personal fault, something you can really improve yourself at in objective terms.

    Trying to find a solution by making ourselves love again masks these kind of mistakes and personal flaws, because it is still an ineffective measure to be happy, to place the problem in the other person and not in oneself is a way not to have to deal with a task as complex as the change itself.

    Anyone who lives this way always has reason to regret it, however. you don’t have to struggle to make relevant decisions and achieve them through a learning and personal development plan.

      2. Dehumanize the other person

      It may not seem like this at first, however trying to make us love again is to assume that the person we want to return to is a manipulable object. This is not to take for granted that we can help you have more information to decide whether you want to stay with us or not, but that we can vary your emotions as you see fit. Is there anything more Machiavellian than that?

      3. Set a precedent for harassment

      Trying to make yourself liked again is not in itself a form of harassment, but it makes it easier for such behavior to appear. If we blame the problem on the other person, interpreting the situation as if what is wrong is what the other is feeling, lays the foundation for future attitudes of control.

      This is why it is good to keep in mind that the other person is fully capable of being in control of their own life, of being responsible for themselves and of making valid decisions.

      4. It lowers his dignity

      Trying to change the feelings of others about oneself not only undermines the dignity of the person sought, but also serves to degrade oneself. Usually these types of experiences go hand in hand with damage to self-esteem, and pretending it’s all due to the lack of love or affection from the other person makes it a lot easier for us. . our value becomes synonymous with the value that the other person gives us.

      In other words, in these situations we forget that the other person also lacks the ability to judge our worth in an unprejudiced way, seeing ourselves as we really are, so that we can. do it again. equivalent to recovering all the lost value.

      So this is a paradox: if we try to make someone else feel love again, we can assume that they have no judgment and have bad feelings, but in at the same time it will be expensive to maintain self-esteem. intact while the person so important he acts like we are not important to her.

        It is better to start over

        It may sound typical, but it’s always true: When a personal relationship is broken and it is not due to a miscommunication, it is best to respect the other person’s decision in great detail and to refrain from marking the moment of future contacts. .

        So in these cases you just need to follow two steps which, although simple in theory, require some effort: first, make sure that the other person has not fallen for the deception, and second, if you really don’t miss out on relevant information, just let go. and come back to to build a life that stimulates us and makes sense. It is complicated, but not impossible, and with the help of psychological assistance it is better to overcome it.

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