“My son is getting phenomenal, he spends all afternoon playing alone in his room and that doesn’t bother me at all, how wonderful.” You have probably heard this phrase more than once. In these cases, you despair and search for the magic formula that this mother or father uses to keep their child “unfazed” all afternoon. Instead, your child asks you to play with him all the time or constantly asks for your attention.
I have good news for you; it is normal and healthy for our children to ask us, “give up the war” and want to spend time with us. Having a child spending the whole afternoon in the air can give us time to do housework and finish things while waiting for work, but it is important to know that this has consequences.
The importance of tilt
What is the slope? The condition is the emotional bond that is established between the child and his caregivers, Mainly with the mother. This emotional bond is important for the baby to feel protected and confident. In addition, it will allow us to learn to relate to ourselves and to others, helping us to understand the world.
There are several types of hang-ups: safe, anxious, disorganized, and avoidant. The quality of affection we provide to our children and the predictability of parenting behavior will determine the type of affection. This is why it is important that as parents we are always available for the needs of the child and approach them in a stable and predictable way. Otherwise, we will create an insecure attachment which can facilitate the development of various fears and insecurities in the child, appearing as the basis of anxiety.
When parents are not in emotional harmony with children, they are distant in the case of the avoidant condition, or intrusive in the case of the anxious condition, in these conditions they cause anxiety, mistrust and insecurity. Children, in these cases, try to adapt to the environment by creating strategies that allow them to alleviate their discomfort.
The keys to understanding preventive disease
Returning to our initial example, we are faced with an avoidant condition. In this case, the parents do not tend to be emotionally in tune with the child, ignoring the emotional needs of it.
There is no validation of the child’s emotions. He learns that being sad or crying is not appropriate and that showing off involves rejection from others, but if he does not show emotions, there is gratitude on the part of his parents; for example, they reinforce and reward spending the whole afternoon playing alone in their bedroom. You end up learning not to bother your parents with their needs. Thus, her parents will be physically closer to her. Therefore, these boys and girls they sacrifice proximity to others to avoid rejectionIn other words, the child learns that he has to fend for himself and that he cannot trust others.
In addition, the child also begins to use reasoning as a form of emotional regulation. He tries to move away from affection and its manifestation, acting on what he believes his parents expect of him, trying not to be a nuisance. It is important to note that children will learn to regulate their emotions based on how their parents do.
It is extremely important that when faced with stressful situations for a child, it is his parents who calm him down. We insist on telling them to go to their room and not leave until they are calmer, but it is not possible for a child to calm down on their own. Imagine we came home very angry about something that happened to us at work, we tried to explain it to our partner and she tells us that until we relax we don’t talk to her not. Notice what happens to you: can you relax? Or on the contrary, does it make you angrier and more deregulated?
Just like in adults, this causes a negative reaction, in children as well, also giving the circumstance that they need contact to calm down. The child needs companionship to relax and it is important that we are the facilitators of this settlement. If we are not the ones who provided him with that security, he will be an insecure child, adolescent and adult.
What are the consequences of this type of link?
When the protective figure is not physically or emotionally presentThis situation leads the child to regulate himself with something that can replace this absence: material things, tasks, food or other people. This type of emotional regulation is dysfunctional, so sometimes pathological behaviors can occur. The use of drugs, alcohol or pathological gambling can also be used in adolescence and adulthood. There are even times when it is the parents who use material utensils to regulate the well-being of their children. Today, the use of technology is one of the most effective resources that parents use, but through which negative consequences are achieved.
The inability of the child to regulate can facilitate the onset of psychological disorders such as anxiety, phobias, depression or personality disorders. On the other hand, faced with incoherent figures of affection, the child develops low self-esteem and feelings of abandonment, As well as the fear of rejection by others. If the caregiver is cold and the child feels they are not worthy of affection, it will cause self-esteem issues.
The inability to intimidate others is also a factor to consider. In adulthood, these people will be individuals with barriers to social and couple relationships, because the relationships we establish with our benchmarks determine our relationships when we are adolescents and then adults; there will be great difficulty in expressing emotions and feelings to others. If space has not been given at home to name and express emotions, it will be difficult to recognize them.
How can we improve the bond with our children?
Children need us to listen to them, that is to say that we can put ourselves in their shoes. Harmful behaviors they sometimes perform, such as taking more aggressive actions, stopping eating, having nightmares, or not having relationships with other children these are indicators that do not feel well. This is where we have to listen to them and not stay in superficial behavior, but try to understand the depth of what is going on.
If every time my son does not eat I speak ill of him and punish him, I will not agree with him. In this case, it is necessary to do a work of reflection and to see what suggests to him that his child does not want to eat, if he acts on the basis of what one wants and not of what the child needs, we will not help. .
We can also improve the bond by playing and spending quality time with the little ones, devoting time exclusively to them. The key is to put words to the emotions, to look in the eyes, to smile, to sing, to have physical contact … in conclusion, provide them with a base that brings them calm and security.
There are times when it will be our own life story that will prevent us from having a safe and healthy bond with our children. In this case, it is important to contact a specialist and that he helps us to resolve those things from the past that prevent us from functioning functionally in the present. Remember: unconsciously, our discomfort is transmitted and perceived by the little ones in the house.