I write this article as a tool for the abused person to identify the weapons that an abused person can use in order for the victim to forgive them and resume the relationship.
In many cases, when the abuser commits the act of mistreatment, a series of behaviors occur which can repeat over time and recur as they pass from one individual to another.
When perpetrators manipulate their victims
I think it can be helpful to provide this material to victims of abuse, so that once the assault has taken place, they keep in mind that these types of strategies can be used by their torturer; it is therefore easier to realize that it is in fact a very common modus operandi in the profile of aggressors, and therefore they will increase the chances of preventing these episodes and responding to them appropriately.
1. Anger as a response
Often the abuser is the offended and indignant one around the corner and without arguments to support their defense, seeking with this attitude that it is the victim who ends up taking responsibility for the acts and apologizing.
2. Make gas light
This strategy consists of making someone doubt their senses, their way of reasoning and even the reality of their actions.. The person tries to make the victim doubt himself, by presenting false data, by denying reality with expressions such as “I did not say that”, “that is not how you do it. ‘explain “or” don’t you remember you started? ”
The perpetrator says things happened that didn’t really happen with generally very believable firmness and security, so that the victim ends up wondering if what she’s been through really was how she was. remember it. Suddenly he catches himself thinking “well it’s just me, I’m exaggerating” or “maybe he’s right” doubting the facts, his sanity and what he heard. . It’s a manipulative technique that tries to get the other person to feel like “I’m going to see things where there aren’t any or I’m hysterical.” Ultimately, the victim’s will is overruled and the perception of their reality is distorted.Sometimes to such an extent that it is up to the victim herself who ends up apologizing. Thus, the abusive person takes advantage of any situation of emotional instability of the abused person to demonstrate his psychological vulnerability: “Do you see how you put yourself through this absurdity?”; “You are crazy” “a psychiatrist must see you” etc.
Well, one of the answers to this technique may be to write down the details of what happened right after the assault, which will be used to find out how the conflict unfolded. This way, the victim will have more compelling reasons to believe their side of events, even if the other person insists that things did not turn out that way.
3. What I did because I love you
It is also very common to use the concept of “love” as a weapon, and this tries to convince the victim that the acts committed are a consequence of the love he feels for her. “I hung you up because I was jealous”, “of course I love you so much that I can’t imagine my life without you”, “if you are not that important to me, I will wouldn’t be.
Here you need to be very clear on “whoever loves you, will make you love” and put aside ideas that jealousy, possession and control are signs of love.
If someone hits you, they don’t love you. If someone makes you feel inferior, they don’t want you. If someone is abusing you, they don’t want you.
4. Make the victim responsible for the events
Blame is another of the most common strategies in the profile of an abuser after an assault. Verbs like: “did you look for it”, “did you provoke”, “if you know how I’m doing, why did you tell me that?” they are generally used so that the abused person ends up believing that it was he who favored the situation and that he deserved the consequences.
5. Emotional blackmail
This type of strategy consists of manipulation in which the aggressor threatens the victim with a series of catastrophic consequences what will happen if she doesn’t do what he wants. Messages like “if you leave me, I will kill myself”, “since you do not come back with me I am not responsible for my actions”, “without you I am nothing”, etc. They usually allude to the weak points of the victim and serve to victimize so that in the end the abused person feels pity, sorrow or fear and forgives them, otherwise they would feel guilty.
To combat emotional blackmail, we need to be very clear about what they are doing to us. I propose to make a list of all those threats that we think can be used and remembered, so that when they do occur, one can be aware of the technique being used and be able to act.
6. Promises of change
Show remorse and swear and perjury that what happened will not be repeated and that all possible means will be put in place to change.
Here we need to be clear that it is our actions that define us, not our words. There is no point in promising change when a behavior is repeated over and over again.
A very important thing in all of these strategies is the time. Don’t give them time to convince us. If it is clear that the situation is unjustifiable, we have no obligation to wait for them to try to explain their reasons or motives. The more time they have, the easier it is for our judgment to weaken and for their arguments to prevail, because of the power they have over us. Abuse does not usually happen overnight, so when it does occur there is usually low self-esteem and low self-confidence in the victim, which the abuser will always use for the victim. This is why it is important not to let them develop their manipulation techniques.