Although inevitably in my opinion of violence, the image of the abused woman appears, Since socially we talk more about abuse towards women (its incidence is undeniably higher) than towards men, that I am a woman and, moreover, because of my life and my professional career, I tend to bend over, to turn me on and to resonate with it.
And even though there are too many women who are submissive at the hands of their partners, I want to talk about the emotional abuse situation itself, as I understand it as a type of relationship that can affect both men and women. . I am referring to a relationship with a marked inequality of power and submission in treatment.
Living psychological abuse
What makes a person decide (because it is still a decision) to place themselves in a type of relationship like this, in which the other is on a higher plane, has the supreme truth? , move the threads of “my” personal reality? What experiences do I have to live to accept vexatious treatment as a normal thing, to accept that I am intimidated, that I am reified, that I am degraded, that I am overloaded with responsibilities, that I am family relations, which subjectively distorts the reality, that only “his” view of the facts is worth it, creating in me “constant confusion and doubt, pointing out to me as the source of conflicts …, to accept even the possibility of death as an alternative or natural solution and sometimes even attractive to the reality that I “live”?
For the truth is that there is a point in the life trajectory of this type of relationship in which the submissive party feels, feels and knows that if the other “goes his head” can end his life and depending on the when it is, he can interpret it and live it with total naturalness, even to a certain extent, thanks to the poetic peace that this image evokes in him … until he realizes that’s not what he wants to experience, That he does not maintain a relationship of respect and love, that there are limits not to be crossed and that he must not die for it.
The paradox is that when he gathers the forces to withdraw and speak out, in many cases, he is actually putting his life in danger.
Victim and aggressor
As I mentioned earlier, in my career I have found that those who seek submissive relationships have typically experienced situations of abuse and mistreatment in childhood, mostly executed by members of their own family. or by people very close to them.
But the same goes for whoever ends up becoming an abuser. We find that both people have their roots in an abused childhood. in any of its manifestations and intensities, but that the fundamental personality of each makes the result and development practically opposed. They are two sides of the same coin, of the same problem, of the same reality, solved in opposite ways.
Blame goes in the opposite direction
In the case of the data subject, she feels deep within herself an extreme need to please and to please others, To feel accepted, loved, taken into account, to feel worthy, to feel human, to feel complete. For this he disappears even as an individual, his tastes become those of the other, his inclinations, his preferences and his reasoning are those of the other, as well as his feelings and interpretations of reality, it is dependence to its maximum; but, in the event of not being able to assume them, then the subject is reduced to silence, remains silent, he is reserved, he moves away … in order, precisely, not to generate conflict, not to to feel rejected, neither judged, nor criticized, nor vilified, nor attacked, nor degraded.
He cannot defend himself, he cannot justify his divergence, he has no tools or speech for it. His heart is broken, his whole being is plunged in suffering, in a silent cry, in a poignant and silent roar … because he cannot even express it openly, he eats it, he swallows it, with a desire to disappear, often a desire to die. During all this time, the long and eternal lapse of time in which the “supreme being” decides not to speak to him, nor to touch him, nor to look at him, nor to hear him … remaining in his own right. distant sphere and cold as a mirror, with its airs of “wounded wolf”, “suffering victim”, “abandoned child” … until, after a few days, and after the constant, meticulous, maternal and complacent of the submissive, he decides that the damage has already been made up, approaching again in a magnanimous gesture of forgiveness, indulgence, and apparent compassion.
This scene which lasts until the end of a certain time occurs another event which forces him to repeat this gesture, because of his lack of tolerance for frustration, his mental rigidity, his need for control, his narcissism, with its extreme insecurity … manifested from a position of true victim as an inability of the other to understand him, to put him in the position of having to react in this way, to feel “obliged” to be so brutal, so distant, so empty, so bad … breaking their partner over and over again, eroding their self-esteem, disintegrating their soul, destroying their person, wiping out all traces of “joy, authenticity, independence, self-confidence, humanity.
Circle that repeats over and over until a spark arises, sinks and grows inside the submissive, allowing the group to take a step to start walking another path, experiencing another reality , choose another present and foresee another future.
- Vicent, JC, “Everyday Manipulators: A Survival Manual.” Desclée de Brouwer, 2006.
- Leonore EA Walker, “The Abused Woman Syndrome”, Declée de Brouwer, 2012.