These are difficult times in the present; In the midst of the COVID-19 crisis, the tensions that affect us are reflected in all areas of our lives, and relationships are no strangers to those tensions.
Fortunately, Mindfulness (also called Mindfulness) can be of great help in preventing this kind of wear and tear on the love affair.
How could mindfulness help us improve our relationship?
When it comes to any subject related to couples, the title of Philippe Caillé’s book, One plus one is three, comes to mind, in which he suggests that when it comes to couples you have to talk about each of its members but also about the relationship itself.
Thus, the relation is this third element which arises from the confluence of two minds, two brains, two bodies, two biographies, which come together, with the complexity that this implies.
We will continue Dan Siegel’s proposal, as it will help us see which aspects of the relationship can be improved by incorporating the mindfulness approach. This author, in his book Mindsight, talks about integration as the means of being able to unite the differentiated elements of a system and is the direct path to harmony in the couple. The development of integration involves the following elements.
1. Pay attention to the difference
It is not about being the other person as I thought, or the way I would like to be, but respecting their ideas, beliefs and customs.
2. Harmony and flexibility in the face of rigidity or chaos
The author speaks of the river of integration as the flow of an integrated system; facing the two banks of the river, chaos and integration, the two ends on which couples can fall.
Rigidity would mean constriction of the couple, loss of enthusiasm … and chaos could be identified with the absence of a common history in the couple, Continuous improvisation …
We can deduce that couples who let themselves be carried away by the river of integration are happier than those who fall into the two opposite poles …
3. Develop awareness of the couple
Through attention-derived techniques, we can more accurately capture the state of the relationship, the reactions of the other person in the relationship, and develop kindness in the relationship.
4. Horizontal integration
If communication is based on domination / submission patterns, it is clear that the couple is not going to sink and that this power imbalance can seriously contaminate the relationship. Again, kindness or loving kindness, Metta, is the perfect antidote to this dynamic.
5. Interpersonal integration
The development of “we” rather than “I” will give meaning to the couple reach is very valuable: developing our resonant circuits allows us to feel the inner world of others, the couple in this case, and being incorporated into another person’s world makes us happy.
Guidelines for meditation
During our consultation, we were able to observe how mindfulness develops correctly and works with the couple, it is very useful in couples entrenched in a conflict, Or in couples struggling with rigid defense patterns or others who are prone to chaotic cramps of disappointment, as they learn to sense the reactive states generated by the “escape or attack” system and lead the way. nervous system to “the receptive state necessary for a true and lasting connection will provide us with the necessary harmony.”
Integrate the tools of Mindfulness, accept the differences of each member, one can reduce the hostility that usually characterizes dysfunctional relationships and embark on a new life of passion and compassion because it promotes integration into the couple and the couple.
Whether you have practiced mindfulness meditation or are new to it, we suggest that you develop mindfulness; for this, the three-minute meditation is a wonderful resource that you can practice at any time of the day: for example, in situations where you notice that you are disturbed or with the emotions that overwhelm you. This meditation has three well differentiated parts, as we will see below.
We start by giving our weight to gravity, pay attention to the parts where the body is in contact with the ground. In this first part we will pay attention to any bodily sensation that we notice, we will pay attention to what emotion is acting on us and what thoughts are going through my head. Whatever happens, we accept what it is.
We focus our attention on the breath, without changing anythingWithout waiting for anything, we perceive how we breathe: if it is superficial, if it is more abdominal … we can make the exhalation last a little longer if it calms us. And we are resting on our breath.
3. Return to normal
Little by little we open our consciousness to the sounds of the outsideWe started to move part of the body, to get into what we were doing, but in a different way.