Normally when we want to change the annoying behavior of others, we use punishment (hostility, bad manners …), but know that this is not the best way to get others to change.
recently it has been shown to reward or reinforce desired behaviors it’s much more effective than punishing those you want to eliminate. That’s why it’s a good idea to be happy and praise the other person whenever they behave the way they want (or even when approaching them).
How to deal with the irrational behavior of others?
But it is not enough to praise the other when the other approaches or achieves the desired behavior, eWe also need to use another technique combined with that. This technique is extinction, which involves not responding to or paying attention to the other person’s irrational behavior. Therefore, to try to reduce or increase any behavior, it is necessary to intersperse the reinforcement of the desired behaviors and the use of extinction with the unwanted behaviors of the other.
It can be effective for us to selectively ignore or ignore what the other person is telling us: for example, not giving a response (even non-verbal) to their unjust unpleasant or offensive manifestations, and responding with interest and kindness. only their reasonable or constructive expressions.
1. Disarmament technique
When we interact with someone irrational sometimes it is necessary to show an empathic attitude, for this we will follow a few steps:
first step: Limit the tendency to get angry too: for now, you have to take care of what you say to yourself. He thinks that even if the other is very irrational, he has the right to say nonsense like the one he just said. And that you don’t have to change it too, but you can choose what you think and what you do … (if you need a thousand to have a good disposition to dialogue).
second step: Try to understand their point of view: let them talk, listen to them and explain their point of view if you wish. If you don’t understand the content of what you are saying, keep asking questions, but empathetically ask them, asking for details and asking if you understand. Asking questions and asking for details helps you avoid making the mistake of “guessing what the other person is thinking” with the risk of being wrong.
third step: Agree as much as possible: To calm a very upset person must agree with him as much as possible: in all, in part, in his right to see things that way, or in what makes sense that she is irritated, considering her perception of things.
fourth step: When you are calm, explain your point of view and try to find solutions to problems. In order to be able to think about things to solve the created problem, you have to be relaxed, then it’s time to expose things as you see them (without ceasing to be empathetic with their opinions and feelings), and when there is a real problem, so that you can help and find solutions to minimize the likelihood of this behavior happening again in the future.
2. Ignore your anger
If you see the other person very angry and verbally aggressive with us it is good to say that “we will only talk to him when he calms down (or we calm down)”. If the other person ignores us, we use the broken record, repeating it as many times as necessary, thus avoiding a chain of aggression and violence from both.
3. Time out
This is say to the other “we will talk another time, when you are (or will be) calmer” (With a calm, firm tone of voice and body language) and move elsewhere, until your anger or the other person’s anger passes and you can speak calmly.
4. Separate topics that create confusion
When our interlocutor tries to defend an irrational or manipulative attitude by mixing up issues that do not arise and that can confuse us, it helps to tell him that we don’t want to mix things up. For example, if they ask us to do a job that we don’t want to do and mix that up with the fact that we are not good friends, we can tell them that one thing is our friendship, which we can appreciate to many ways, and another the fact that we are doing the job it asks of us.
5. Write what you want to say
This form has the following advantages:
- We can sort the arguments, Review and make them clearly express and highlight the ideas that you think are most important, without the other person being able to interrupt us.
- This reduces the likelihood of the occurrence of ambiguities and misunderstandings (typical of non-verbal language).
- It helps us to avoid tense situations, When we believe that the other will react badly at first, but then he will think it over and deal with the reasons.
This type of writing should have a positive tone, be attentive to the other person, be clear, and not overly expansive.
6. Defend firmly if necessary
Being assertive also means we need to stand up against people who can hurt us.. This may involve moving away from it or setting limits to demand that our rights be respected.
To be firm without being aggressive, it is necessary to follow the maxim of defending oneself with “silk gloves and steel cuffs”, that is to say to defend oneself firmly against them, but without altering them more than convenient, without losing shapes and without showing more hardness than is necessary to achieve our goals.
All of these examples should follow the following maxim: “No one should respect my rights if I don’t do it myself”