Mitch Hedberg’s 80 Best Quotes

Mitch Hedberg was a comedian and a constant figure in American stand-up comedy, his greatest characteristic was his surreal humor, based on one-liners with abrupt and absurd cuts that left audiences captivated but begging for more.

If you want to know his philosophy of life, this is it selection of the best phrases of Mitch Hedberg you will like it

    Table of Contents

    Mitch Hedberg’s most inspiring quotes

    To remember this character’s legacy of humor, we bring you a list of Mitch Hedberg’s iconic phrases and jokes.

    1. I have a vest. If they cut off my arms, it would be a jacket.

    An example of his simple humor.

    2. My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor due to superstition, but come on man… People on the 14th floor know what floor they really are on.

    When no one wants to see the obvious.

    3. I wrote in one-line style because I’m not a good storyteller.

    Explaining why he decided this line to make jokes.

      4. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. No fault of the photographer.

      This is why we cannot see things clearly.

      5. I would like to have four people who are very good at making wagon wheels and assembling a wagon.

      About the people who bring benefits to your life.

      6. Once upon a time there was a human pyramid. It was very unnecessary.

      Things you regret seeing.

      7. I’m going to make this last joke better by removing all the words and adding some new ones.

      Improvisation is comedy’s best weapon.

      8. My fake plants died because I didn’t try to water them.

      Take care of your business.

      9. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good it is, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

      No one is perfect at anything.

      10. I live comfortably, and if I do for the rest of my life, there’s no way I can say I’ve failed.

      An optimistic perception, which unfortunately did not materialize.

      11. Every book is a children’s book if the child can read!

      Now content is something very different.

      12. I want to hang a map of the world in my house and then I’ll put thumbtacks in all the places I’ve traveled. But first, I’ll have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it doesn’t fall off.

      You have to have priorities.

      13. Yes, this comedy is part of my “Hazte rico slow” plan… and it works.

      Wealth is not acquired overnight.

      14. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a woman who would be mad at me for saying that.

      If you’re in a relationship, get involved.

      15. An escalator can never break: it can only become a ladder.

      Stairs are stairs if that is their purpose.

      16. Rice is great if you’re very hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

      Rice is plentiful.

      17. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a normal banana later, so…yes’.

      The wait is always worth it.

      18. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a very weak guy all day.

      High collar shirts can be boring.

      19. Fettucini Alfredo is a macaroni and cheese for adults.

      An elegant plate of spaghetti.

      20. A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

      Everything that meets the eye is not true.

      21. I wear a collar, because I want to know when I’m upside down.

      A particular way to have an alert.

      22. I used to do drugs. I always do, but I used to do it too.

      Talking about his drug use that he could never escape.

      23. Politics weighs on my eyelids.

      Politics is a boring topic that shouldn’t be.

      24. I make a living by writing jokes.

      A job that not everyone can do well.

      25. If you get lost in the woods, damn it, build a house.

      A way to take advantage of the circumstances.

        26. I haven’t slept for ten days, because it would be too long.

        Placing some of his harsh reality in jokes.

        27. I order from the sandwich club all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I’m doing with mine.

        Things may be simpler than expected.

        28. If I was missing nine fingers, I wouldn’t write any slower.

        To want is to can.

        29. I am a heroin addict.

        An addiction that brought him to his rapid end.

        30. Once a forklift came to lift a box of forks. And that was too literal for me.

        Make common things look like something unusual.

        31. I was in a bar, and a guy shoved me, and he didn’t apologize, and he said, “Move! I thought that was rude, so I said, “Damn you!” Then I started running. I caught up. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and wore a sombrero. He said, “Hey, you have a lot of courage!” I said, “Hey, you’ve got loads of accessories…for the skull!”

        Situations can spiral out of control in bars.

        32. I don’t think my heart will last forever.

        A promotion upon his untimely death?

        33. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. The guy didn’t even get his title.

        Imitations do not thrive.

        34. I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

        Of his relapses and attempts at rehabilitation.

        35. You know, you can’t please everyone all the time… and last night, all these people were on my show.

        A way to vent your frustration when your jokes don’t go well.

        36. I wish I could play in the minor leagues now. It would be much better than before.

        Children’s impossible things become easy in adulthood.

        37. Dogs are always in the lizard position.

        An obvious limit.

        38. Every time I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m also going to shave’.

        It is comforting to know that we are not alone when looking for value.

        39. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly where it’s coming from.

        So, everyone should be an expert.

        40. All of these jokes have already been approved as funny by me.

        What is funny for one person is not necessarily so for another.

        41. Right now I’m in a time where I can’t stop working, I’m making a lot of money and everything is fine.

        His work has become a distraction.

        42. Look, it’s a smart mob. Every time I play for a stupid audience, I say: “You have a lot of bullshit in your head!”.

        Conquering the public is not easy.

        43. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never got it. She lives in a trailer. She reached the middle. She’s an actress, they never call her on set.

        Not all dreams can come true.

        44. I need to have sex with women who saved someone’s life.

        A particular necessity.

        45. Recently, I devoted myself to ice carving. Last night I made an ice cube. I turned 12 this morning, I was prolific.

        To be excellent at something everyday.

        46. ​​Have you heard of dramatic breaks?

        At one point, he got frustrated because people tended to guess the endings of his jokes.

        47. I come to see this drunkard, he was eating grapes. I was like “Friend, you have to wait”.

        Waiting is sometimes overestimated.

        48. If I had a dollar every time I said that, I would earn money in a very strange way.

        What would be your weird way of making money?

        49. He had a parrot. The parrot spoke, but didn’t say “I’m hungry”, so it died.

        You have to learn to listen.

          50. There are too many people talking about sex and I would be a little incompetent if I started talking about politics.

          We tend not to participate in things we don’t know about.

          51. I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! Problem solved.

          If it’s an enclosed space, you need it.

          52. Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have greatly improved my situation!

          It is important to be grateful for what we have.

          53. I sit in my hotel at night, think of something funny, then go get a pen and write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I was thinking wasn’t fun.

          Always carry with you where to write your ideas.

          54. Alcoholism is a disease, but it is the only one for which you can be reprimanded.

          A problem that can get out of hand very easily.

          55. It would be great if you could eat good food with bad food and the good food would cover the bad food when it hit your stomach.

          An effective solution.

          56. It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Wow! Where is my wallet? But hey, this song is funky…

          Pleasure is lost when a negative event occurs.

          57. I don’t like communicating with the public.

          A fear he could never overcome.

          58. I think pickles are spent pickles. They sold their souls to the devil, and the devil was dill.

          A strange opinion on the origin of pickles.

          59. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak dwarf trying to knock you down.

          An overwhelming feeling.

          60. I started adding things to any topic because I thought it was funny, but people weren’t laughing, so I decided to cut to the chase, strip away all the excess fat.

          The path that led him to his simple one-line jokes.

          61. Is a hippo a hippo, or just a really cool Opotamus?

          People perceive the world the way they see it.

          62. I’m tired of following my dreams. I’ll just ask them where they’re going, and I’ll contact them later.

          It’s frustrating when you don’t see the results of your efforts.

          63. I always feel like I can do something more, even if I still don’t know what it is.

          We always want to improve.

          64. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Service sign, only Escalator Temporarily Out of Service. Sorry for the comfort.

          Are we too used to escalators?

          65. I saw a sheet on the floor, it must have been a fainting ghost… So I kicked it.

          A ghost who was not well received.

          66. I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got tired of not worrying.

          Sometimes we have to force ourselves to act the way we want.

          67. I guess I would like to be well known.

          A dream that could come true, even after death.

          68. I didn’t go to college, but if I had gone to college, I would have taken all my tests in a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

          If things were that simple.

          69. I think if you look at people’s faces, you always find someone who is disappointed.

          It is impossible to please everyone.

          70. I like closing my eyes on stage because I drew a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

          One of his biggest concerns has always been to please his audience with his jokes.

          71. An amputated foot is the perfect padding for stockings.

          The positive of a bad situation?

          72. Bologna is cold meat for people with eyes.

          Not everyone sells things the same way.

          73. This is weird. People say they’re not like monkeys. So how do you explain football?

          A critique of football fanaticism.

          74. This shirt can only be dry cleaned, which means it’s dirty.

          When you can’t find a solution to your problem.

          75. If my son couldn’t draw, I would make my kitchen magnets not work.

          The drawings are beautiful childhood memories.

          76. Bigfoot is blurry, and that scares me even more. There’s a big, fuzzy monster lurking in the countryside.

          Like a ghost.

          77. I imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

          Everything in life has no hidden meaning.

          78. My belt holds my pants and my pants have clips that hold the belt. What’s really going on there? Who is the real hero?

          A true mystery of physics.

          79. This joke deserved a better reaction from you.

          Facing the public when I didn’t get a reaction from them.

          80. I think a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether I have bread or not.

          A reflection on how power relations influence the perception we have of others.

          Leave a Comment