It is possible to have sex only with kisses

It is obvious that we live in a society where we are accountable for everything and establish hierarchies for everything; for example, in friendships there are people welcomed, acquaintances, friends to drink, friends to talk to, and best friends, and then we could break down and create categories.

This way of thinking about hierarchies is so ingrained in us that we also apply it to our sexual relationships.. We talk about “basics” or “phases” when we get to know someone emotionally and sexually and have conversations like:

-Have you ever kissed?

-No, we haven’t reached that base yet …

But … what happens when we get to the “base” of sex? How do we know if we have had sex or not? What guide do we use to find out? Did you have sex if you kissed or did you need something else? To clarify, we have created “phases” that differentiate what is intercourse and what is not.

    Sex and its “phases”

    Before getting into the subject, I suggest an exercise. I will introduce you 4 words you will need to quickly relate to the moment of sex in which they occur. Here we are:

    How was it? Simple, right? Most people associate hugs and kisses with so-called foreplay., intercourse with sex itself (also when we think of intercourse, the first thing that comes to mind is intercourse) and we relate orgasm to the end of intercourse.

    In this way, we give each practice a place and a space. It is not entirely wrong to be able to understand how sex works in general (socially learned) terms, although it often confuses us:

    -You already did it ?

    -No, well yes, or no… I don’t know… we kissed and touched, I had an orgasm, but we didn’t do more… that explains how I did?

      Why so much confusion?

      Have you ever had this conversation? The vast majority of us have had this doubt. Dividing sex into phases leads us to believe that there are certain things that need to happen and that there is a protocol to follow.: foreplay, intercourse and orgasm. It makes us believe that we have not had sex if there has not been sex or that we have had incomplete sex if there has not been an orgasm.

      Sex is a process where we decide when it will end, the orgasm does not end. Sex is in fact a back-and-forth sexual game where all practices are accommodated. It is an exchange of intimacy, desire and pleasure.

        Preliminaries do not exist

        We reject these categories.

        The preliminaries they don’t exist, because as we don’t have to go anywhere, we don’t have to do anything first, everything comes into play.

        Coitus it shouldn’t always be given, and that doesn’t stop you from having sex. Linking sex and intercourse as if they were almost synonymous makes other practices invisible and, moreover, only makes sex understood in heterosexual couples.

        Orgasm it’s great, we won’t deny it, but if we start to assume that it may or may not be, we will enjoy it a lot more, we will take a mental load off. If we understand orgasm and intercourse as something that should be given in a meeting, we will put our minds “competitively” and be determined only to get to that point, which we will not do. take full advantage of what is happening. .

          From the first kiss to the last look, it’s all sex

          If you’ve had an intense kissing session, you’ve had sex. If you’ve been playing hide and seek and pampering yourself, you’ve had sex. If you sent each other sexy photos, you had sex, and if you masturbated (with or without orgasm), you had sex.

          Finally, I suggest that on your next sexual encounter your partner / if you forbid yourself to touch your genitals and experiment with touching your whole body from tip toe to head (in turn), with hugs , kisses, with nails, with soft touches and a light cut … Reinvent your gender, forget to reach orgasm, focus on the pleasure of touching and make your sex not linear and consecutive but a roller coaster of experiences.

          I am Gisell Chavasco, psychologist and sexologist from PsicoAlmeria. If you have any questions regarding the topic of this article or if you need advice and help on a personal or partner level, my colleagues and I will be happy to help. The first step is important for the change, you can contact us without obligation.

          Author: Gisell Chavasco, psychologist and sexologist.

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