In personal relationships, something curious happens: once we decide to fight for the well-being of the people around us and start sacrificing ourselves for others, our past acts of kindness may end. by enslaving us. Or at least if we lose control of the situation.
The reason is that if everyone assumes that we are here for what others need, stopping offering our help and our efforts becomes a sign of selfishness, even cruelty. Now it is possible break with this dynamic and fight for yourself instead of always doing it for others.
7 keys to live for me and not for others
To gain autonomy and freedom, we must act both on our beliefs and our thoughts and on our habits. Let’s see how to do it. All this, to answer the question of: How do I start to live for myself?
1. Work on self-compassion
There are those who say that those who live for and for others do so because they are experiencing something akin to masochism. These types of statements are clearly an exaggeration, but they do contain some truth.
And it is the one who has become accustomed to always sacrificing for others does so on the basis of a very internalized belief that one owes something to others; that is, its existence must be constantly compensated for by good deeds. The reasons why this belief was adopted vary widely from case to case, but that sense of self-loathing is there.
This is why it is essential to work on self-compassion, to embrace the habit of not constantly and cruelly judging oneself.
2. Take a distant perspective
In situations where there are conflicts of interest which usually resolve themselves into one person always accepting the terms of others, it is good that the one who sacrifices learns to adopt a more objective perspective.
To do this, we must stick to undeniable data and draw conclusions from a reflection on them. To do this, it may even be useful to use pen and paper and write in a table the advantages and disadvantages that accepting this proposal presents for oneself, on the one hand, and for the person. other person or organization, on the other hand.
3. Learn to say no
Something as simple as saying that it is not facing certain requests does very well, especially when until then we have accepted any request made to us.
The most complicated thing in these cases is how to deal with the anxiety that can arise in situations where one wishes to refuse one of these “invitations” to fight for another person to benefit. In this sense, there is nothing more delicate than forcing yourself to, Firmly propose that no matter what, we must answer with a clear “no”.
Think of it this way: it might seem cruel to have to do this, but that’s only because you’re probably not in the habit of making requests and ‘mistreating’ others, and therefore you don’t. are not used to denying it kind of favors.
4. Detects forms of manipulation
It’s not easy, but getting rid of the habit of living for others is necessary learn to recognize manipulation where it occurs.
For example, accusations of previously asking for favors that weren’t actually granted or of having a lot of free time may seem very obvious if explained in writing, but during a real-time dialogue they do. can work and do. that one feels irrationally guilty, without falling into the cynicism of this kind of approach.
5. Accept the possibility of letting people go.
There are relationships which, although in many cases have started well, over time are only nurtured by emotional blackmail and entrenched conflicts. It’s natural and over time it’s almost inevitable that we won’t go through one of these situations.
But more important than the pain that toxic relationships like these can cause us is to accept that nothing happens to cut off contact with someone which has been in our everyday life for a long time. Basically, because the opposite is that these people can use us as “hostages” because we do whatever they want in return for not leaving us.
6. Date whims
Starting to respect yourself is a way to get our actions to start forming new beliefs about your own identity. And it is that if we usually treat ourselves with respect and affection, our own self-image ultimately has many possibilities to adjust to this new reality, releasing preconceptions of guilt. Self-esteem is also essential in this process..
7. Embark on new personal projects
If everyone seems very busy and asks you things to help you achieve other people’s goals, it can also be, in part, because you you don’t have important goals to achieve. That’s why start adventures and develop projects that really interest you. Thus, it will come out of you to use your time in activities that are fulfilling for you, and not always to please others.