Feeling angry and not being able to control it is one of the most unpleasant experiences in our life., in addition to bringing us the most difficult consequences to resolve.
Anger causes us to raise our voices, to impose ourselves on the other, to generate more conflict than there was, and after this outburst comes exhaustion and worry.
This can happen in your relationships, social or family relationships, or even at work (conflicts with partners, with a work team or with the people in care). Can we avoid it? How to manage it?
The keys to anger management
Many times we think our biggest difficulty is communication. It is difficult for us to say things except with anger, imperative or imposition of ideas.
However, although communication is a behavior that can and should contribute to improving our well-being and our personal relationships, the real source of the problem is not the communication, but the emotional.
What does our way of communicating depend on? Of our emotional state. Anger makes us interrupt, impose, shout or maximize the damage of what is happening. Our relations are deteriorating desperately.
A lot of people ask a professional company to go through a process of change where they improve this part of themselves. Although at first they believe the problem is communication, we later find out that it is actually dealing with emotions (communication is due to the way we deal with communication).
In this article, we have the following objectives: first, find out what anger really is, how you deal with it and what it causes in our relationships and our well-being.
Second, find out what it is the real problem behind these expressions.
And finally, see how you can fix it with your own personal change (a deep, stable and lasting change, not just with tips or patches).
My name is Rubén Camacho, psychologist and coach in human empowerment. In this article I bring you the main experiences of the people I have supported in their change process and who have had this problem over the past 11 years.
The meaning of anger
Anger is an intense and unpleasant emotional experience in which we believe you are right. Our anger makes us think that something inappropriate is going on and we try to fix it by aggression.
First of all, anger involves wanting to have control over what is going on … and this is an interesting paradox, because just having anger issues means we lose control.
It is important to understand that anger, as an emotion, is not necessarily a negative emotion. Negative emotions are a common but impractical concept. All emotions are positive in nature because we feel them to adapt to situations. However, what we feel does not primarily depend on these situations, but on how we understand and deal with these situations.
In the same way that insecurity can help you protect yourself and act with caution, or fear helps you isolate yourself from something that worries you, anger is an emotion that helps you express something that is happening that you don’t like or wantjust like a dog barks (we want something that happens to stop happening).
Anger can therefore help you set certain limits. If you witness some kind of injustice (towards a child, grandfather, animal) and it bothers you and you feel anger, that anger can motivate you to help someone or to limit them. unpleasant behavior. The problem is not anger … but how to understand and manage anger, so that it is too intense, frequent and lasting.
Common Anger Problems
Some of the consequences of living with dysfunctional anger are as follows.
1. In your love life
The relationship ends up being too linked to these episodes of anger, it generates discomfort, exhaustion, discouragement and a gradual and growing disinterest in the relationship (anger is only useful for a few seconds, never a few minutes).
You will have noticed that after a couple discussion, we feel exhausted. It is an exhausting experience both emotionally and physically. Anger exhausts us because our neuroendocrine system secretes the same substances as when we exercise … but without any health benefit (quite the contrary).
2. In your workspace
Anger hinders relationship with others, damages trust, creates greater distance, and communication becomes more opaque. With anger we pretend to have control but we lose it even more.
At work, we need to build relationships with confidence and self-assurance in order to achieve common goals. Anger creates an unpleasant atmosphere, if only from a temporary episode.
3. In your social or family space
Human beings are social beings, we need connections where we can find trust and support. Anger makes it hard for those connections to be strong and isolates us, damaging both your mood (anger leads to discouragement because it is exhausting) and your trust in others.
While anger seems to be a problem in itself, it is always the consequence of a little more. It comes to us because we understand that what is happening is not appropriate and we intend to change it.. But we cannot control what happens, neither the behavior nor the decisions of the other.
Likewise, we can set clear boundaries and come to agreements, but always in assertive communication and not with anger.
Where does the problem come from ?
Anger implies that we want to be in control because we fear the consequences. If at work we fear possible consequences in relation to projects, appointments … anger will make us try to control the behavior of others.
If anger arises in your relationship, it is because we fear the consequences of the other’s behavior (if they don’t behave or value what you want, if they don’t accept requests or does not meet expectations, etc.). Anger always involves fear. It is a type of active fear.
When fear can’t cripple us or scare us away, it binds us to anger, just like the animal that attacks when it can no longer hide. How can we deal with something so deep that it doesn’t condition us so much?
Managing anger is not about controlling it …
One of the most common mistakes we make with anger is thinking that we need to control it. Like I said, trying to control an emotion that implies that we have already lost control makes no sense. To control, moreover, amounts to repressing. How about leaving a pot full of water covered and on fire? Finally, it explodes.
This is what happens with anger. When you try to control it, it explodes with more intensity. Anger, as well as all emotion, it cannot be controlled … but understood and managed, so that it is not so intense, frequent and lasting.
The most important step is to find out how you are dealing with your anger now. What are some situations that make you angry? What do you interpret these situations or experiences that cause you to feel angry over and over again? How do you deal with anger?
We tend to think that emotions cause behavior, but in reality these are the behaviors that lead us to deal with emotions in a certain way (and the excitement reappears the moment a similar experience occurs, because this association has been established).
The only way to learn to understand and deal with not only your anger, but all the emotions (anger, discouragement, mistrust, insecurity, fear, guilt) is through your personal change.
What should change in you to change the rest? How to interpret the situation to see it more openly? What boundaries should you set in your relationships? What experience should you avoid before it occurs? What value judgments do you make of others that make you angry?
I will now give you a special invitation. Going through a process of change to learn to understand and deal with your emotions and have them for yourself rather than against you is a deep thing, but in turn, it has to be practical, where you are successful on a daily basis and where you feel company to all. your needs. (not just with occasional sessions).
For this reason, I invite you to plan a first exploratory session, where we can meet, deepen your problem, find a solution, and see how I can support you in your process to obtain the change you need 100% ( be related to anger or other emotions, self-esteem, personal or partnership relationships, professional productivity, relationships at work, etc.). In Human Empowerment, you can find the opportunity to take this step.