Looking with Clean Eyes: Fear of Abandonment

People are not always what we see them. Behind each hides a story, sometimes more hidden than another.

In the easy world, when you don’t understand something or someone, you leave it aside. Therefore, this article aims to open another door to information, understanding and action regarding our own well-being and that of others. I’m convinced that, if we add knowledge, we add empathyand I think it is not necessary to justify this thought.

    Self-knowledge to connect to others and to oneself

    Empathy and consideration for our fellow human beings can enable us to live better at home, at work, in sports and leisure. For this to happen we need to know each other and not let our sometimes misleading perception confuse us. We treat ourselves as we think we are, and others too. But to look with clean eyes is to pretend to look with a small magnification.

    Fear, like any human emotion, accompanies us throughout life. This means that trying not to feel it is not only a useless task, but an unattainable one. The good news is that it’s the right thing to do.

    But like everything in our complex mind, we have to be careful about the quantum of fear we carry. That is, if we were to rate it on a scale of 0-100, the 40-50% measurement would be correct.

    This amount of fear is necessary to be able to lead ourselves through life in a way that allows us to protect ourselves from the real dangers around us.

    Nothing new so far, but if we continue to investigate the other emotions that often accompany fear, we can find out how this story begins to get complicated.

      Understand the fear of abandonment

      In general, fear is not defined in one unique way; we can be afraid of an animal, of a life crisis, of the way in which we are going to live with mourning, of the withdrawal of children in adulthood, of childbirth, of an illness, of an exam. We may be afraid of the dark or of death, but that deserves a special section for another time.

      But there is a fear of walking in silence, and it’s one of the hardest to deal with because of the way it presents itself. I want to say fear of abandonment.

      Its manifestation is strange and seemingly contradictory. But if we develop it, we will find it easily, so as to help not only those who suffer from it, but also those who live with people who suffer from it.

      In principle, the first thing to say about this manifestation of fear is that you suffer, and a lot. He hides and is hard to find.

      The person who fears abandonment hardly recognizes it as such; this appears to be the result of a misjudgment of one’s own perception of reality. This does not mean that the person in question has an assessment of reality that is included in an unusual mental illness, but that the way they have to assess themselves is not as accurate as it should be.

      So what stands out is a thought and feeling of not being valuable enough so that others want to be close to them or appreciate their friendship. This causes a cataract of self-centered negative feelings to develop and, over time, undermines the ability to build a personality that is not trapped in these feelings.

      The sooner we know, the better help we can provide, and if we are with them, the easier it will be to know what to do in a crisis. Understanding how much pain they carry inside will make you that we understand their need for a kind word, even if it is not usually well received. I say this because telling someone that you have this impoverished perception of yourself, that you believe at the same time how important it is to us, is not an easy task.

      They are subjects who need to learn to trust more than anyone else, it does not come with them, therefore the proof that we can give them of our love and the security signs of our presence will be essential in learning to lead us and facilitate the process.

        Give the right emotional support

        It is clear that adequate therapeutic support is needed under conscious guidance and with knowledge of the problem. Knowing the way forward and treating it with scientific rigor and respect, as well as managing trust in creation a support link where welfare will work and wait for welfare to arrive in time.

        However, it is easy to understand that if we start from the fear of abandonment, the images and experiences we have on the subject were not the most encouraging. We grew up in places where contempt or the feeling of not being present to others was commonplace. It made us think of our little importance for those who were for us. Not having a place in the other, not being part of it, means that today we must transmit this feeling of exclusion to the rest of those who accompany us; it is difficult for us to discern that the past has remained only in our minds and that is what needs to be healed.

        It is this child who must be taught to love. It is to our identity today that we must listen, build and merge to become who I want to be, but first I must necessarily feel the right I have for it.

        Jealousy, possession of others or objects, eating as if it were the end, not being able to manage these impulses are the result of all these repressed emotions which today are transformed into one, anger.

        Anger is underlying like hot lava, ready to come out at the first slight, real or imagined. This pain of abandonment entangled in all the unbridled emotions translates into a latent hatred for hurting unintentionally, but out of control. That’s why it gets so hard understand the mental process of these people, because the expression that manifests itself is violent and savage. They can’t stop, they can’t understand each other, they can’t love each other, in those moments it’s just a bunch of feelings.

        Thus, relationships with others become conflicted and reactions inexplicable, but this does not only happen outside, it also happens within themselves. This emotional instability makes them confused when they look at each other and try to understand each other.

        People, usually those with whom they want or need to relate, they are idealized and they pass great friends, colleagues, or partners, but slowly or suddenly they become despised and sometimes denigrated. They suffer, unjustly, from being marked as ungrateful by all that has been given to them and do not understand the devotion and love that has been placed in them. The most complicated thing is that these people are only a reflection of what they think of themselves.

        In short, you should know that there are people who they can’t get along well with themselves. That they have a very low tolerance for frustration and that their outlook on reality is generated more by looking at or imagining their inner selves, where judgments about their cruelty and the reasons for their unhappiness are generated by the certainty of never come to feel the right which no human being should lack, which is to be precious and to be worthy of receiving affection and understanding for his neighbour.

        Have the knowledge, even if it is not exhaustive, that there is another way to see life inside and out whether at work where the bonds may be less passionate (or not) than expected between family, friends or at the partner’s, makes it possible to detect these behaviors and to awaken to a new way of seeing your partner and of managing the aid.

        We are in a difficult world, in which processing emotions and nurturing others is not commonplace, this small gesture of caring can change a lot of things for good, make our workplace a pleasant place to receive each tomorrow and each of us will allow us to reflect on the importance of having been looked at with clean eyes.

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