When making the decision to live as a couple, keep in mind that this union will be made up of two people with their own peculiarities and clear differences, among other things because they had very particular family environments, which formed them for be who they are. . . .
So when it comes to dealing with partner crises, everyone will try to resolve them based on what has been learned. All the complexity of human behavior it has to do with the form of parenthood, because it is from here that the person takes his referents to respond to the circumstances with which he must face.
Learn from family references
The way we interpret the circumstances in which we live is directly related to the unconscious modeling that each has, and which is directly copied from the example they received from their parents. While each member of the couple has experienced very specific situations, it is amazing how these experiences connect to teach each other. what you need to learn not to repeat these patterns.
The problem, I would say, begins in the phase of falling in love, as most of the trauma acquired in the childhood phase is not visible, but as people spend more time together, situations arise which will accentuate the differences, triggering an avalanche of problems and suffering that conceals patterns and learnings, causing an extremely difficult coexistence that could even lead to the breakdown of the relationship.
Abused children and abused adults
Abuse is one of the most consulted subjects in the treatment process and people are very rarely aware of what really motivates them to be aggressive in their relationships or family. For some it is quite a discovery to realize the pattern they are repeating and the lesson they have to learn, and most unfortunate is that in many cases it is too late to right all the harm they have. caused.
This dysfunctional dynamic that occurs between the couple is not the result of chance, because in such cases the two, to a greater or lesser extent, have suffered situations of abuse, and although these circumstances may have been similar , it did not affect them in the same way. manner.
Abuse Patterns Established During Parenthood they are the product of environments where they have often witnessed fights between parents, where the father was violent and attacked the mother, and many of these fights were sparked by the constant complaints of the mother, who realized that her partner was unfaithful and / or irresponsible with the needs of the household , or because he abused alcohol, or because his children were also physically and / or psychologically abused, etc.
Seeing themselves plunged into an ocean of suffering and without the possibility of change from their partner, over the years, many mothers decide to separate and raise their children. This situation, which was the only viable option (albeit allowing a long time to pass), also formed patterns of behavior that affected children differently. These diagrams, which are part of the human unconscious, become translators of everyone’s reality; the interpretation they give of the circumstance they are experiencing in the present is the one they use to continue living their daily circumstances.
These models train translators who act mechanically and instinctively. For example, when something happens in the family dynamic that they do not agree with, the anger pattern incorrectly translates to the need to respond to this disagreement, with blows or insults; etc totally dysfunctional behaviors are presented where resentment, low self-esteem, irresponsibility, dishonesty in the relationship, abandonment or helplessness syndrome, inclination towards vices, etc. appear.
A change of roles
When parental separation occurs at a very young age of the children, the void generated by the father figure in boys and girls is very different. In general, it is up to the mother to take on these two roles and in many cases it is up to her to help her son or eldest daughter, who takes a leadership role to complete the tasks. , especially with the care of his brothers and sisters.
This assignment of tasks from an early age aroused a lot of frustration and anger towards the father, but also towards the mother, because many of them they have stopped going through their normal stages of development to become early adults to bear the burdens imposed by the mother.
For some adults, the mother’s words (“now you are the man of the house”) continue to weigh dysfunctionally, even as time has passed and they made their own lives.